unioncityblue

2003-10-27T14:48:00.000-05:00

Bean: Revisited
(see Bean)

"Hey Girl."

She didn't turn around. Bean and Justin had had it going on - but since Justin mysteriously disappeared last July faster than David Blaine ever could, Bean realized his friend was never coming home. Justin was now a ghost of a good thing. Bean, still extrememly weary from the war of a lifetime, no longer woke up for early morning calls - he just could not get into the game anymore, like he once had, and once loved to do.

Now his only thoughts were bent on speaking to DipSUm. Hands down, she was the prettiest cyborg this side of Jeri Ryan. She was so beautiful. And so, before he got a case of rapid hope loss, Bean made his move:

"Hey Girl!"

It was love at first site: DipSUm's eyes met Bean's...true love. She gracefully clunked over to the trembling Bean. He could save the world, but he couldn't help pissing himself as she walked over.

"Buddy, you're a good fighter. This school needs you. But I don't. I think you are a narcissistic fool. Carve your heart out yourself, fucker."
"I-i-i Lovv (spit) ve yy-drool-ou."
"Hey! Dude..am i missing? I said you're a fuck up!"
"Carry this picture for luck.."

Bean handed DipSUm his picture - Justin had taken it just a few months ago...it was his most-treasured memory of his good friend and ally. He wanted his new lover to have and hold the photograph for all times. As lovers go, he thought they were perfect for each other.

DipSUm took the picture, looked at it...then ripped it up, threw it in Bean's face, and then spat on him.

"Eat shit, cowboy."
"THIS IS A FORGERY! YOU WILL ROT IN HELL, BIYATCH! SUCH WANTON VIOLENCE!"

DipSUm promptly gave Bean the finger. Under his breath, Bean muttered,

"What an act of brutality...well, there's a lesson to be learned here, conscience: if you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed."

So Bean mustered up all the courage and bravery he had left, and sta...

"Hey! Wait! Bean!"

It was DipSUm.

"I forgot to kick you in the junk."

The most bodacious cyborg west of Jeri Ryan, kicked Bean in the junk. He smiled and fell to the floor, groping himself.

"Thank you, DipSUm. I love you."
"Eat floor, jackass."

Bean decided that this romance could kill him. There were several ways to die trying. He would try every one.

2003-08-15T09:50:00.000-04:00

"It's the great blackout of 1965," dad said all-knowingly...and it was.

It's like those bad days when you feel like a fool for tomorrow. See, in this chemical world, everything is run by electricity, coffee & tv. You spend day upon day watching reruns of Miss America pageants, updating your little black book, listening to the ambulance rush by, realizing you shouldn't do your errands on a bank holiday. But what do you do when there's no power? Drink? I say, sing a sweet song...a good song though, and kick back with a beer. Not oily water. Not some luminous peach chick drink. BEER.

It's funny, when Maggie May, our pesky star shaped neighbour, came over to tell us how she was coping with the blackout, my dad resigned from his newspaper, put pressure on Julian (the cat) and went to the radio to turn it up. At that volume, the sweet song sounded like a swamp song. I later asked my dad why he hated the neighbour and he said that ever since he met her at the Villa Rosie back at the end of the century, he saw in Maggie May a nice girl in blue jeans. But now...well, "she's so high."

Sunday sunday...7 days away. That makes today sunday doesn't it? Well music is my radar and my laptop is soon to run out of power. What will I do with out music? No distance left to run... I'm glad I don't live in a trailerpark with some Dan Abnormal always drinking beer on my porch talking about Ernold Same travelling the globe alone or shit like that. I think I just need someone to hang out with. I could call over my Australian friends Yuko and Hiro but I'm sure they're hanging over the railing eating fried rice.

The song that just came on has a crazy beat. Tracy Jacks - they're a far out little band from magic America. They'll be singing about nothing in particular to the end of time. CFRB 1010 just tells me even jets are experiencing problems. There's trouble on the message centre. It's like this is a movie. And the song I'm listening to is the theme from an imaginary film. I blame Y2K...it's about time something happened with that. Or I'll blame Chinese Bombs. These are supposed to be the best days...but now, girls and boys, it’s just...you know, this is a low. Es Schmecht! I think I'll head over to Threadneedle Street. The Morroccan Peoples Revolutionary Bowls Club is sure to be having a party over there.

It's times like these when you really wish you had a battery in your leg. Something to clear up all my white noise and pretend you're Badgeman Brown. The universal impact of an event like this is intersting to think about. I mean what is the top man at the energy board doing about it? Movin' on? Not caring? It could be you, top man!

I'm looking at my local paper, a guy was killed by a train while he was drunk....country sad ballad man is what I'll call him. He thought of cars, but was killed by a train. Gene by gene he'll be re-pieced and come to earth again in some other form through his brothers and sisters. If he had any...the government would know. They always say, "We've got a file on you. We can track you!" I'd say that's a little scary. Look inside America. Bush can track everyone everywhere. Strange news from another star. He's a charmless man for sure. But I guess, why do we care if he spies on us...I have nothing to hide. I could fade away and he could know and I still wouldn't give two shits.

Shhh listen, my other neighbour, Mr. Robison is dancing...he and his wife often dance. It makes me smile to think of couple so old who still have so much to do. They don’t scream, they don't fight. They dance Mr. Robinson's Quango. Everyday is a jubilee for them. It's beautiful. Look at us. This popscene we live in - no time to just...do the simple things that Mr. Robinson and his wife do. I don't even think they own a tv. And is that for the better? I love life. I love London. London loves me! I have zeal! Call me Colin Zeal. I'm a clover over Dover if you will...but they're happy to for different reasons. They could listen to Duke Ellington's Caravan for hours on end, and be happy. But all we say these days is, "entertain me." Why can't we entertain ourselves. Turn off song 2 on your Dave Matthews CD. Stop reading the Beetlebum comics. We're almost out of time here. I mean look at today's blackout - apocalypse? The inertia around us...never stops. Birthdays come and go, work and school wear me down. People come together - life is just repetition - bang it keeps going and doesn't slow down. I'd like to advertise somewhere Mr. Robinson's idea. Toss out today's ideals. Trimm Trabb them down.

However, to appreciate the tender things in life...you need to have something. There are people...who I like. Like you: I'm just a killer for your love. I wish we could just hold each other when the world ends, dive into the emptiness, walk down the pathless roads and then yell "Got yer!" like a childhood game of hide and seek. Just goof off with no cares. Dance like nobody's watching. Headlist/into another life. There's no other way. Then, a blackout like this wouldn't be such a big deal. Who cares? High? Cool off with a swim. Go back to 1992 when you were a kid and could battle with imaginary monsters - make up secret codes like B.L.U.R.E.M.I. which stands for Brushing Luke's Underwear Rocks Even My Icicles!

Next time you're on the way to the club, slow down...No need for a badhead. Just on your own, hang out with the Essex Dogs at the Country House, forget stereotypes, and wait for when the cows come home. M.O.R.! (Minds of Relaxation). See? Now you're so great.

It's just what I'm doing in the repeat of '65's great big blackout. Kick back with a Sleeman and throw away your mace. Think no more about the bugman.

Peace out.

2003-07-18T12:40:00.000-04:00

...seems someone beat me to a Stones story...

All the best.

Get yer ya-ya's out, and other clichés
Let the groaners be all over now
Old bands offer plenty of material

It's Only Rock 'n' Roll But I Like It. And as for Mick Jagger, I Just Want To See His Face. Honest I Do. Ain't Too Proud to Beg. So Mercy, Mercy. Doncha Bother Me. Time Is On My Side. Even though You Can't Always Get What You Want. Take It Or Leave It. Or Paint It Black. And Hey, You, Get Offa My Cloud.

In other words ... Let There Be Rock, July 30. Even though it's going to be a Highway To Hell trekking all the way to Downsview — not what you'd call A Wednesday In Your Garden — for the SARS concert headlined by the Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Rush and the Guess Who.

Sounds like a good show. Sometimes Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be. But newspapers everywhere have two whole horrible weeks to dig up song titles and turn them into platitudes. Let's be up front about this. The Star did it twice yesterday in our lead editorial: "Stones' fans can't get no satisfaction.... It's only rock and roll ..."

Perhaps he was having his 19th Nervous Breakdown. Good Times, Bad Times. Emotional Rescue. It's All Over Now.

Well, it should be all over by the end of this piece.

Ladies and gentlemen, For Those About To Rock, We Salute You. With as many clichés — Wild Horses; Dead Flowers; Love In Vain — as we could disinter from our collection of old vinyl. Let this be an end to them. Can I Get A Witness ...

The gates open at 8 a.m. and the show is expected to end around 11 p.m. Even the TTC is urging the hundreds of thousands of fans Between Sun And Moon to walk Down The Road A Piece rather than get the transit system All Screwed Up.

Bus Rider? Give It Up. Got To Find Another Way. Hitch-hike? The roads near the park will be closed. What A Shame. Complicated. It'll be best to have No Expectations. You Better Move On. Walk All Over You. Try to stay Cool, Calm And Collected. Not Fade Away.

Then there's all the stuff you're not allowed to bring into Downsview. No contraband Brown Sugar or Maple Fudge. No Tumblin' Dice to while away the time between acts. Where's My Thing? Confiscated at the gate. Leave That Thing Alone. Try not to think of it as a Witch Hunt, but the Big Money goes to the concession stands. Have A Drink On Me? Perhaps not at those prices. Something For Nothing? Don't count on it.

The show's about to start. Can You Hear The Music? Mystic Rhythms. Force Ten. Dance Little Sister. Girls Got Rhythm. The Spirit Of Radio. Rock & Roll Classic. Shakin' All Over. Power In The Music. Or possibly, when it's not one of your favourites playing, It's Getting Pretty Bad. Even so, you'd be a Fool To Cry.

Boy meets girl and it could be Sin City. Let's Spend The Night Together. I Just Wanna Make Love To You. My Obsession. Get It Hot. Sweet Miracle. Secret Touch. Closer To The Heart. Still Feels Like Love. Up To My Neck In You. Play With Fire. You Shook Me All Night Long. Hey, honestly, I'm a New World Man. And I Think I'm Going Bald.

But, Surprise, Surprise, a Heart Of Stone could leave you Shot Down In Flames. I'd Rather Be Alone. You Touch Too Much. No Sugar Tonight. I'm Moving On. What's left When Friends Fall Out? Self Pity. As Tears Go By. Heartbroken Bopper. Just My Imagination.

Tempers might fray. Sympathy For The Devil is one thing, but no one wants to see Riff Raff, Nobody's Hero, causing Rock 'n' Roll Damnation. A Street Fighting Man, The Enemy Within, Losing It and saying This Means War. If You Want Blood, You've Got It. Meltdown. Damned. The Razor's Edge. Guns, Guns, Guns. Kicked In The Teeth. Hand Over Fist. Let It Bleed. Dear Doctor.

Time Stand Still? Nope, time's up. The Stars Look Down. Please Go Home. A Farewell To Kings. Gotta Get Away. Follow Your Daughter Home. Back To The City. Finding My Way. Runnin' Back To Saskatoon. Three More Days. Road Food. Take A Friend. Prodigal Son. We're Coming To Dinner.

Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing In The Shadows? American Woman. Two Thousand Light Years From Home. Midnight Rambler. High And Dry. Out Of Time. Shattered. Backstreet Girl. Stupid Girl. She's So Cold. Moonlight Mile. Shine A Light.

Need somewhere to stay? Gimme Shelter. Guess I'll Find A Place. Tossin' And Turnin'. Who's Been Sleeping Here?

Will it be The Last Time? Miss You. These Eyes. No Time. Goin' Little Crazy.

Come July 31, you'll be able to tell your friends who weren't there, Something Happened To Me Yesterday. They may say, I Feel Your Pain, but don't be surprised if their reaction is: All This For A Song?

-- Bill Taylor (Feature Writer for the Toronto Star) --

2003-06-29T19:42:00.000-04:00

Man of Action: Epilogue
(see Man of Action)

Jenni had always wondered what life would have been like had she and Jeb failed to save the world a few months ago. Would there be an avalanche of panic? A whirlwind of terror? Would they be headed for the bright end of nowhere? The dinosaurs and humans had found a way to co-exist thanks to Jeb and Jenni's counselling practice.

Jeb had just come off his 3 week tour (he had a hit with his 'Song for the Girl'). The girl was Jenni. That was what she liked to think. It was really about Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. She was a long way down from Jenni of course, but Jeb liked simple things every now and then.

Jeb still held his weapon in his pocket just in case he'd ever need it. Jenni had always felt uneasy about it but lately, in this world called catastrophe, she actually didn't mind. In fact, she had something up her sleeve...

"Hey Jeb, remember that day while we were hunting rabbits? A phone number dropped from your pocket..."
"Who's?"
"It says R R-S...who the fuck is R R-S?"
"It's..uh my lawyer."
"HA! That's a good one. Rebecca told me everything. You've been leading this double life. Here I think you're this wonderful Man of Action. I mean, I held your pancreas!!! Did that mean NOTHING to you!!?"

Jeb was shocked.

"Jenni. Listen to me. I may have done things in the past, but hear my pledge of allegiance. Rebecca is merely helping me write a lullaby for the New World Order. God knows we need help with this 21st century living."
"You are nothing to me. I feel as though I'm in a house of smoke and mirrors. But you'd probably taint that too."

She pulled out the weapon. Jeb's was gone. The weapon was the mysterious Tripoli. Upon activation, it could perform whatever task was wanted of the possessor.

Click...

Jeb and Jenni...saviours of the world. Parted for eternity. Just when one thought the world was headed near fantastica, human nature fails us again...

2003-06-29T19:20:00.000-04:00

Prove Yourself 2: Holes Filled.
(see Prove Yourself)

Ten years later:

Ever since Kid A died, Lloyd and Lewis didn't speak. But a time came, when the two again came face to face at a wedding. Lloyd had become an alcoholic. After the alien died, he just wanted to disappear completely and never be found. But it was not to be. Here he was wreaking havoc on the joyous union of Colin and Jennifer. A punchup at a wedding, Lloyd ruined the big day.

"Get out and never come back."
"I will. I will sail to the moon."

He was speaking nonsense. Walking home, stumbling along the side of the road, there was a light...Lloyd gazed in front of him, making out a shadowy figure. It was Kid A.

"How..."
"I died in your life Lloyd. I've been living with my family underneath the earth. I died only up here. And to you, I died."
"..."
"I can't stand to see you like this. You saved my life in a way. Go to sleep. If we could be only backdrifts, life would be much simpler."

Lloyd stood in the gloaming of the alien. The lukewarm light washed over him. Life had meaning again. The snaked & ladders he'd been living for the past ten years were starting to make sense. The honeymoon is over. It was time to brush the cobwebs out of the sky and softly open our mouths in the cold. To save this little man from being erased by his own sense of grief and guilt, Kid A, the boney King of Nowhere, closed the door to his underground life. Now standing in no-man's land, Kid A decided to sacrifice himself for Lloyd. Give Lloyd his own alien life force.

"Lloyd, I'm already dead to you. I want you to live on. Tell our story. The sky is falling in and I can't get out..."
"Your time is up?"
"I've faced judge, jury & executioner...I'm as dead as leaves."

Kid A fell to the ground, lay silent. It girl. Rag Doll. Life rushed out of him and into Lloyd.

"No no no no no no no no."

What was once a let down was now just lucky. Lloyd looked down at the earth. Kid A's body had disappeared. He died for life. Like Kid A always said, 2 + 2 = 5. And that was so ever important now.

Tresspassing. Drift with the current. Let the line slip through your fingers. Mass hysteria. Mass amnesia.

2003-06-29T18:57:00.000-04:00

Bean: Revisited - Dashboard Confessional
Blackout of '65 - Blur
Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out - Rolling Stones
Man of Action: Epilogue - Matt Good
Prove Yourself 2: Holes - Radiohead
The Golden Band and the Magnificent Seventies - American Analog Set
Intro to Robots - The New Deal
Unilock: A Tale of Betrayal, Trust, and Encryption - Stereophonics
The Phantom's Shadow - Phantom Planet
Noelle, - Something Corporate
Story of 100 Aisles - Our Lady Peace
Spies Jumped Out of Every Corner - Coldplay
Marijuana and Swedish Gay Men - Afro Man
Only in Dreams - Weezer
Not for the Weak - Sublime
Tragical History of King Lear - Oasis
Man of Action - Matthew Good Band
[Untitled] - Jimmy Eat World
The Realization - Dave Matthews Band
Prove Yourself - Radiohead
'Bean' - Dashboard Confessional

2003-06-29T18:41:00.000-04:00

The Golden Band and the Magnificent Seventies

There she was. Diana Slowburner II. She was every guy's dream - she looked as flabbergastful as a blue chaise. Ever since her father was booted out of the White House in the magnificent seventies, she came to live here in Unreleased, Idaho. Her father now works as the Postman. In fact, on my way to school this morning, I tipped my hat to him, respectfully. He stretched out his thin fingers and caressed my weather report I was supposed to hand in at 4th period. He looked into my egg-beater eyes and said, "Where have all the good boys gone?" I told him I didn't know. I waited. The wait seemed like I could have moved to Pluto and then gone to Earth for a visit and then gone back to Pluto and then moved back to Earth and he still would be using the Hope Diamond as a doorstop.

Anyway, on the runs where I'm from, people like that are not to me messed with. So I yelled quietly into the night, "I must soon quit the scene." I backed away and walked to school. I started having a debate with mysef about high fidelity vs. guy fidelity. And then I saw that some punk was listening to punk music walking in his punk way. Did he even know what punk was? Punk as fuck music is good but otherwise, it's something I dont' need to know by heart.

But Diana, I know her by heart. Her smell, her taste, and her Dr. Pepper shaped body. So, the plan was to sneak up behind her and surprise her with a gift. It was the newest car I could find - the Two Way Diamond II model. The Two Way Diamond I was pretty shotty so I knew she'd like this. I gave her the Two Way Diamond I last year and she promptly took it and threw it against Aaron and Maria as they were humping in the hall.

All was going well, until someone impersonating Danny Radnor asked Diana to a movie. I freaked.

"Will the real Danny Radnor please stand?!"

He didn't. I got punched by Diana, and the happy couple went to see Too Tired to Shine II. And to top that, I wanted to see that movie too! So I went home.

And then there I was, and my door had a sign on it that said, 'Don't wake me!' even though I wasn't sleeping. Random. I figured I'd have to leave sooner or later. But you know, waking up is hard to do. Oh yeah, I wasn't sleeping. Don't wake me now...right.

I left the house. It was 4am. I looked like the only living boy around. I was wearing just my corduroy pants - call me the Corduroy Kid. Anyway, I was walking past the Flingho's field and saw their new sign: Trespassers in the Stereo Field will die. Pleasant eh? Oh well, like foxes through fences, I sneaked in. I'm the only one there...

And then I saw it: on the Stereo Tower. A freshman was strung up there like a rat on a haywire float. I ran to the tower, climbed and pulled the boy down. He wasn't breathing. Dead. I looked up...Dim stars (the boy in my arms). I knew who was to blame. The Choir Vandals - a gang of well-polished (and very homosexual) choir boys gone wrong.

I'm all for supporting the Kindness of Strangers pact so I carried the boy into town. It was really slow company when I got there - no one would come near me. I laid him down with the mellow fellow in town. Mellow fellow shut the boys eyes and gave me a new equation. I said, "All I want is to go home."

The following morning, there was a knock on the door. It was late one Sunday that this strange fellow came to my door. He started raving about the Living Room Incidental #2. (I don't know). He said, "It's alright. We'll all be fine. We're a million young." It was true.

Going to school the next day, I heard Diana Slowburner II had been dumped again. I have a schoolboy's charm, so I walked up to her and said,

"A good friend is always around."

"Were you that boy's friend?"

"His last, evidently."

That night I took her out to see the Golden Band. They played their usual song set from their cd After Hours Issue #2: New Drifters I, New Drifters II, New Drifters III and New Drifters IV. Diana and I often laughed at how they need more imaginative names for their work.

We headed for home but my parents weren't there. A cloaked man stood on the doorstep. I turned to Diana and told her to keep running for home. Never to look back.

"Where did you come from?" I asked.

"We're computerizing and we just don't need you anymore."

In the end, it's all about us, from our living room to yours.

2003-03-09T21:00:00.000-05:00

INTRO TO ROBOTS

"You’re Fired." Don’t you hate those words? Those two little words. Bite my ass stupid corporation from hell. On Monday morning, I braved rush hour traffic in the Holland Tunnel to get this letter on my desk:

Monday, July 34th, 2029

Dear Employee no. 59304

You’re fired. We went through our records and it showed that you have been with our company for only six months. This means that you are gone, gone, gone. VL Tone is heading in an exciting new direction and unfortunately, you are being replaced by a robot. Please feel free to drop by the lipstick pickup area to receive your lipstick that you gave us as a deposit on your life six months ago. But after you’ve done that, back off because you need to leave the premises within the hour.

Have a good day.

VL Tone Industries.

Exciting new direction. Ass! Directly after reading that letter the phone rang. I lifted the receiver and was told by ‘funky Mark’ up in accounting that he had been promoted. Ass!

So what am I to do now? I’m out of a job. It’s the year 2029 – and everything is still being replaced by robots. Damn you advancing technology!

Just twenty years ago I was the hottest actor on the planet. AND I was married to the hottest woman in the world. Is there a better life? Then it happened: my wife, Jennifer Aniston, was turned into a robot by NBC because apparently robotic things have more sex appeal. This became a common practice by the year 2012…everyone wanted to see robots, most studios only hired robots, and most actors wanted to be one! Except for us few who refused. It’s us who were left in the ravine to eat the dust of the robot hordes. Jennifer divorced me stating I was a “homewrecker” - which is absurd. She ran off to marry her fellow robot friend Jim Carrey.

I eventually got a job at a talk show – it was a bad show…by the end, I would show up high everyday, in some sort of self orbit, ready to interview robot guests like Rosie O’Donnell and the dog from Beethoven. It was a wonderful job.

After that I moved on to creating a record company – yea, musicians eventually all became robots too. My record label, Subsky Records, only churned out one disc: Conventional LP by the group ‘Technobeam'. I was proud of that record but it failed only because it was a non-robotic label. Ass.

I jumped from a string of jobs and then got back to the middle again – left with nothing. I only had one friend. He was an imaginary gnome named Boba. I got bored one day and pretended to shoot him: boba dead now… At least he wasn’t a robot.
Then, things kinda started looking up. I lined up an interview at a company called VL Tone Industries – a bullet manufacturer. The job position was “moonscraper”. What a “moonscraper” does I didn’t know. In fact, I still don’t know.

When I got to the corporate headquarters, the interview turned out to not be an interview at all. And what’s worse, there were a few robots around. I was told to come up to the 95th floor where I would have to pass a simulated test about the trials and tribulations of the workplace. I was shown to a little black room and I put on cool glasses after which I was instantly immersed in a three-dimensional world where one wrong turn would get me killed. Not really of course. It was set in space and the objective of this ‘workplace simulation’ was to avoid getting in the way of the big robotic scorpion stinger and make sure I didn’t get tossed into the deep sun by the mysteriously evil Dr. Navidrome (who of course, was a robot). There was only one safe haven: the delay tower. My screen name was “Superback” and I did damn well. Actually, Dr. Navidrome caught me and I was almost thrown into the sun when I planned the escape into the delay tower. Once I got there I pushed a little red button that appeared out of nowhere and apparently won. I got the job.

But now I have just been fired. When I look at then and now, I realize how stupid and pointless that simulation was – what did it prove?

Currently, I’m sitting in my comfy chair at home in a mind melt state, listening to the Ray Parker Suite: part 1 and part 2, and filling my body with Dopamine while I write this little ditty. Who needs VL Tone anyway…the robotic jerks. What will tomorrow bring. Tomorrow, tomorrow...I guess I’ll just continue to glide through life, taking whatever comes my way, robot or no robot. But, if I could return to wherever, it would definitely be when I had a hot face and was married to a human named Jennifer Aniston.

Damn all the robots.

2003-02-19T23:20:00.000-05:00

Unilock: A Tale of Betrayal, Trust, and Encryption

Once upon a dime, I was walking along the windy streets of Chicago. Chicago’s home to me, even though I don’t live here. I actually live on a houseboat on Lake Michigan. I live in that little putt putt with my dad and his mistress (She’s a bitch). It was Poppy Day (how this connects to the story you’ll find out…) and it was summertime. I promised myself when I swam from the boat that morning that I’d have a nice day. Nothing could dampen that sunny afternoon. Or so I thought.

I made my way down the bustling streets and was tripped, as usual, by the leg of the old laughing lady who always sat on a milk crate at the corner of 5th and Percy Ave. It was no longer a surprise when she jutted her leg out. I usually fake huge dramatic falls even to the present day, just to make her happy. Then, when I’m on the ground, she takes her clothes off. She still does this ‘indecent proposal’ skit every morning to impress the passers-by. Not cool. Believe me. Her and her saggy shriveled up…um, moving on…

Not waiting a minute longer for her to…uh, do more stuff, I walked past my brother Raymond’s shop and decided to pop into buy some carrot cake & wine. You see, that night, my secret girlfriend Angie was due - to come over, that is. Why was it secret? Well, she was Billy Davey’s daughter. And by Jove, if you knew Billy Davey, man, you’d be scared as the poor bartender…. you know, that old fable about the bartender and the thief? Never mind. Anyway, Billy Davey was just very VERY over protective and tended to beat his daughter’s boyfriends until they felt like they’d been hit by a thousand trees. It was a risky little game.

So, as I said, she was coming over that night and I planned to sex her up…sex her up gooood. As usual, nothing went as planned. I bumped into her while we were both jaywalking – and, of course, the traffic was worse than usual. We both fell, but she was the unlucky one. Her leg was crushed by a tour bus. I didn’t know what to do, so I put carrot cake in her mouth to make her feel better. It didn’t help because she punched me in the face then fainted. The little shoeshine boy who always sat in front of the 4th Street café…or was it the 19th Street café? No, Positively 4th Street. Yea, so this little boy came running through the traffic and touched Angie’s head, then checked my eyelids for holes…strange eh? Then he performed CPR and she died. I was flabbergasted. More afraid of Billy Davey than feeling sad about Angie, I stood up and screamed:

“It’s not nice to be out anymore, is it, shoe shine boy?!”
“You’re not gay. My name’s Chris Chambers.”
“Good for you. Excuse me.”

Or maybe I just pushed him instead of saying ‘excuse me’, but I got out of there fast. None of this hurry up and wait shit. I fled to the lake and dove into the water. I swam like a monkey with staples in his back to my house. I pulled myself out of the water and was kicked in the face by the hag. Stupid mistress hoe who can’t speak English…

“Peepy! Watched Il Postino today I. Good movie that’s bad.”
“ENGLISH! LEARN ENGLISH, Bitch!”
“Bitch, what's? Ohhhoh Peepy, Postmen do not great movie heroes make!”

Yeah, I pushed her in the water. I don’t remember if she could swim or not but she eventually got back up. I ran to my room and found my dad going through my stuff…

“You have waaay too many sandwiches…moldy sandwiches in this room. Look at these handbags and gladrags thrown all over the place. Clean up yo’ shit!”
“Gladrag?”
“Don’t let me down. I want this clean.”
“Dad, Angie’s dead and I’m going to flee. Flee!!”
“Right. Half the lies you tell ain’t true.”
“It’s on the radio! Listen!”

As you can imagine, I switched on my radio to hear the Angie’s horrid death all over the news. So obviously her wonderful Pops had already signed my death warrant.

“I wouldn’t believe your radio if it was the last one on earth. Look at it! It’s filthy.”

So, as a last resort to convince him to let me flee, I called 1-800-SEX-YEAH and ordered him a stripper. It didn’t work…

“But we don’t have a piano!”
“Dad, what do you need a piano for?”
“A piano for a stripper!”

I was speechless. I couldn’t believe I was wasting time on this conversation, so I grabbed the car keys and ran to the door to put on my shoes.

“Careful! Don’t step on my old size nines!”
“Dad…dude, we have the same size feet. It won’t matter.”
“That’s not up to you, son. Foot size is the decision of biology… and the gods.”
“Yea…”

You see how fast I wanted to get outta there! I ran and dived into the lake, swam my ass off to get to shore and ran to the parking garage. I got in the car, soaking wet and drove. Oh man, I drove. But then I ran out of gas. I stopped to fill my car up and realized I was in Vegas. Yeah, I didn’t realize. I’d been to Vegas two times and knew all the streets and nooks and fields. I got back in the car and drove to Pelennor Fields and took a chill pill. Right then and there, I let myself fall back into thorns. Lying in the sun I fell asleep and had weird dreams. In one, I wanted more life in a tramp’s vest. In the other I kept asking myself, ‘is yesterday tomorrow today.’ Weird.

I was rudely awoken by an apparition. It was Angie Davey.

“Did I wake you?
“No, I was only sleeping. How…Howww.”
“I’m a ghost. Ooohhohoohohhhh”
“ARGH!”
“Really?”
“I wasn’t scared.”
“Shit. Anyway, I just had to tell you, the first time I ever saw your face, it reminded me of a goldfish bowl.”
“Angie, your face still looks like Chaplin.”
“Maritim belle vue in kiel.”
“Huh?”

And after saying those foreign words, she floated away. I resolved to buy myself a small plane and try to fly after her. Vegas had some sweet deals so I bought a plane for a few bucks from this guy who commented on my funny t-shirt suntan. I punched him. I pulled the plane up to the rooftop of a tall building. And what do you know…it started to rain. I yelled out:

“NO! Who’ll stop the rain! Who the FUCK will stop the rain! I don’t like to fly in the rain!”

So that plan was shot to hell and I kicked the plane off the building. I think it killed a few people when it landed in the streets below because I heard some screams and swearing but I wasn’t concerned with that. I yelled back:

“You can tie me up, tie me down, but I won’t become a clown!”

It didn’t help I guess. Now I had no plan. So I scaled down the sky rise and bought a newspaper. There was a picture on the front page. Yep, that local boy in the photograph was me…the headline read: Boy has Heart of Gold…. Literally.

It was obviously some sort of fabrication. I called Mr. Writer of the Big Cool Paper to complain about my false representation among the middle-aged black women of the city but he would hear nothing of it:

“Listen kid. It just seems you’re out for a lawsuit. I know you. Everyday you think of money…”
“Everyday I think of money? No I don’t…well, maybe. But, I’m the last of the big time drinkers! I don’t need money.”
“Excellent. That will be great for my Master’s Thesis!”

I was furious. For the last resort, I took the subway to Fiddler’s Green, a mini golf place for the Canadians from the East Coast. I eventually got bored of playing golf, so joined the string quartet on the corner of Bling Bling Ave. and Gatey Blvd. They were playing depressing Titanic sinking music – it seemed fitting with my situation. I was just about to roll up and shine when who showed up? Billy Davey. He was there to avenge his daughter’s death, which apparently was my fault.

“Yo, boy! I’m gonna send you on a holiday. A caravan holiday to Hades.”
“You don’t mean that. Poppy?”

I remembered buying a poppy earlier that day from Leonardo DiCaprio and then putting it in my pocket. Poppies have a lot of power, so I took it out of my pocket. I stabbed my hand with it by mistake but that’s okay. I revealed my hidden weapon to Mr. Daveys and he shuddered. He died from the ol' good-triumphing-over-evil powers that are beheld in such things like that ‘flower.’ I felt I had won a seat beside Mr. Nice for what I had done today. No no, not just in an audience with Mr. Nice…a seat beside him! It was a ‘normal’ day for me.

::Sort of Epilogue...::

Hmm, well my days are never normal like Beth’s or like Sheryl Crow’s but at least I’m original. Everyday I pick a part that’s new and that’s what makes me me…my normal days are your worst nightmares or your semi-automatic ones.

My plane? What happened to it? Well, it was salvaged from the wreckage in the street and is now a part of the Snowbird Fleet. If you’re lucky, you can watch them fly Sunday.

2003-01-02T19:38:00.000-05:00

The Phantom's Shadow *

A Shadow was growing in the East.....whispers of a nameless fear - a nightmare grip that held everyone down in a second. Simon felt it burn like candlewax in the lava light being poured on someone's baby. He knew what he had to do. Bust a move and get on the road. Powered by Scotch, Simon set out. Turning, he had a last glance at his home in the Erihs. He had lived there his whole life and this quest would claim his life. Never again would he be home.

"Is this really happening to me?"
"Enough Yakety Yak!"

That voice was familiar. Simon turned and sure enough, his old friend Fladnag was standing behind him.

"I was recently distressed, Simon Sniggab. I looked to the rise of the Setting Star, and it was revealed to me. That which was thought to be lost has been found. And is here in the Erihs. Rest easy. We shall leave tomorrow and reach Llednevir in a few fortnights."

Simon did not rest easy that night. Don't get down, he thought.

"This task was appointed to me. I can take it...no, I can't take it. I'll have to break it off with Fladnag. He's a wise wizard and he'll understand."

The next morning, Simon awoke to the sound of a jet engine flying over head.

"Simon! Get up. It's the invasion of the Sunlight Snatchers. They want it more than the Ymene does. But fear not - the Snatchers will never be able to take all the forces or Rodrom."
"But Fladnag, I can't do this."
"Turn smile shift repeat. Whenever you are in a bind like this, say those words and I'll be there to help you bear this burden, as long as it is yours to bear, Simon Sniggab."

And so they left the Erihs and made way for Llednevir, land of the Sevle. The road was perilous. On the way, they came upon a boy named Devon. He was singing. Fladnag interrupted.

"Hey now girl."
"I'm a boy Mr. Fladnag."
"He knows you?"
"Everyone knows me, Simon...tell me little boy, what business does a Fle, a Nam and a Frawd have in the Kramreddir. Speak quickly."
"We wish to stay at the inn. Our business is our own."

Simon and Fladnag left quickly as the boy was a spy of Namuras the White...an evil and cunning wizard.
Devon's rejection was a symbol of times to come.

They finally reached Llednevir with much haste. It had to be destroyed. The Ring must go to Simon. The local black and red armies could no longer withstand the power of Rodrom. It was a clockwork that Simon became the bearer. He was appointed the task of carrying it to the fires of Mount Mood. With him, Fladnag and 7 others would journey together. They were the Company of the Ring.

The crew journeyed for days and nights. The time came whence they had to decide whether or not to face the long dark of Airom. Simon chose the mines. And it was in the mines that Fladnag fell to his doom. He battled the beast fiercely on the bridge of Mud Dazahk:

"You cannot pass... I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor. The Dark Flame will not avail you, Flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow! You shall not pass!"

But it was lost. So I fall again, thought Fladnag. Dying of silence, he felt a darker shade of epic. The wizard whom Simon had trusted was gone. It was nobody's fault.

Further on during the journey, the Company passed a wishing well. Simon ran to it.

"I wish it had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened."

There was a stirring in the water. Fladnag's face appeared.

"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Simon, besides the will of evil."
"I can't go further, Fladnag. It is always on my mind."
"And it will be for the rest of your days. Each day will forever be a lonely day. There is no telling whether there will be a happy ending - we can only hope for the best."
"One does not simply walk into Rodrom. Its black gates are guarded by more than just Cros. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly."
"There is still hope, Simon."

Unable to go further, Simon ran ahead of the Company. Nrogara, the heir to the throne of Rodnog, ran ahead to catch him.

"Simon. In our darkest hour we must continue to look for that one ray of sunlight. She's gone."
"She?"
"Yes, Simon. Fladnag was a woman."
"I can't do this, Sam."
"That is not my name."
"You can see me...but look..."

Simon put on the Ring.

"Can you see me now?"
"Simon, do not joke about such things. The reprise is just as I feared. We must make for the Paths of California. Let's go!"

Simon took off the Ring and rejoined the Company. When they reached the River Niudna, Nrogara pointed Simon towards the Htanogra.

"Long have I wanted to look upon the Kings of Old. Please apply yourself to me sweetly, Newra Ratsneve."

"Salogel, you're a Fle. What is wrong with him."
"He's in love, Simon."

The Company continued only to find greater peril. While singing the anthem of Nahor, they were attacked by the Shadows from the East. Simon went up to meet them, and told them his secrets while they asked him their questions. They went back to the start. Simon cried out.

"Something is wrong. It's happening. Something has survived."

Simon let the candlewax drip on his fingers. The light from Asteroid G was falling on the Company and Simon was feeling the weight all over again. Little did he know, he was being followed. The Happy Ending which the company hoped for was not to be. Do the panic.

When Simon ran away from the Company, Logaems followed him....

"Master hurts us, Master betrays us. We should strangle him in his sleep. No, no, too risky...unless...we let 'her' do it... yes... Yes, she could do it for us, right precious?"

...into the deep.

*Some words will bear more meaning if you hold them up to a mirror.

2002-12-16T00:58:00.000-05:00

Noelle,

I was having one of those bad days. I was feeling a little down...aching to hear some good news for once. That morning I woke up in a car only to find a drunk girl passed out in my lap. I can only imagine what happened there. I think her name was Konstantine but you know, I wasn't sure. My hangover headache was only made worse from a loud knocking on my car window. Of course, it had to be a police officer.

"No no! It's not what it seems!"
"Sure buddy. Out of the car."

Well I didn't want to get out. So the policeman manhandled me - he literally plucked me out of the car and threw me into his. As he drove me to the police station I felt like vomitting - but don't worry. I saved that until I actually got into the station. So I spent the whole day there in the slammer, sharing a cell with a flamer who called himself the 'Punk Rock Princess'. He was scary. He was going for the whole Avril/Shania/Kittie/Streisand look and I'm sorry, but it just didn't work on him. Believe me, I was very happy when my parents came to get me.

By the time I got home it was at least 8pm. I still had no clue what I did the night before. As I walked towards the house I tripped on the straw dog my mom insists on leaving on the lawn year round - she decorates that damn thing for whatever occasion: Easter, Christmas, birthdays, Yom Kippur etc.. It was quite the dramatic fall, I must say. I landed in raccoon shit. Serves me right. What's a bad day without raccoon shit?

Well, there's no surprise that that night did not get any better. First, I got the typical 'we thought you were smarter than this' lecture. That was followed by the sight of my little sister feeling up my best friend in my bed. True, we are all babies of the 80s and we all consider sex a hobby, but please...on my BED? Fuck! So I decided to let them finish and left. I went for a walk through Cavanaugh Park. A harmless little walk. Right.

I felt like continuing my walk past the park and in doing so, I ended up in a sketchy part of town called the 'Pocket'. It got is name from the vermin who hang out there - they're the scum of society who find nothing better to do but smoke up and assault people - the pocket lint of God if you will...so anyway, I was inside the Pocket when these two guys come up behind me. I noticed one of them had a club and the other had a knife. I didn't really want to end up in a fight; all I had was an empty wallet and a wounded ego.

Of course, they just wanted to beat the crap out of me. I was beaten and beaten. However, I managed to wrestle the knife away from Mr. He-Man and stabbed him in the neck. I didn't mean to. I meant to get his leg or something. I yelled to the other guy as he fled:

"If I were a terrorist, I'd bomb your graduation - if you were smart enough to go to school!"

That was ineffective because I had used to many big words. (Take note for next time)

Well, you can imagine, the random patrol officer saw the brawl - yet only managed to see the part when I stabbed the fucker in the neck. So, there I was back in the slammer. This time, I was there until the next morning. My parents didn't want to bail me out twice in one day I guess. This was getting ridiculous. I knew I'd win one of those hard luck story competitions for sure - made it even worse that this all happened right before Christmas.

So I got another lecture. They were making me get a job (oh, did I not mention? The reason I got drunk the previous night and then got it on with Kons...or whoever in my car? I got fired from my job for smoking up in the bathroom.) I don't want a job. I began to think 'If I die, who will get my PlayStation?' I got so mad that I picked up a copy of the book "Mulligan Goes to War" and threw it at my dad's head. Hmm..he wasn't too happy. He got his pistol from his closet. Man, I'd never been that scared in my life. I had to get out of there before he killed me. Bolting out of the house, I saw my sister smoking a cigarette in the garage.

"Hey bitch...uh, since when do you smoke?"
"And you're a shining example?"
"...If you see Jordan can you tell him to meet me at the airport?"
"We have 3 frickin' airports in this city, genius..."
"The big one, whore."

So that was the last conversation I've had with my sister...

I walked to the airport. The trip there wasn't too exciting. Just after I had gone through the Caldecott Tunnel, I saw this old man selling vintage globes & maps on the street corner. He asked me to buy - I had no money. Walking by, I realized that would be me in 50 years. Only then did I realize that I was fucked.

I got to the airport. I just sat there, watching the planes go by. Jordan never came. He'd rather do my sister than give his buddy a hand. I sat there for a good 29 hours. I don't think I ate anything in that time either. I counted 27 planes....

I eventually got up, somehow got a bit of money and went back to that street vendor. I think I was high or something because I bought a kite. He told me it was Ben Franklin's kite. Hell, I thought that was cool. It obviously isn't. Damn. Well that was my christmas - fuck. I try to forget December. It was hell. Wait. I forgot to tell you what happened to me after the 27th plane.

I was just sitting, minding my own business when some dumb high school girls walked by and they were talking about how they had boyfriends and how they "did it" with their boyfriends and how their boyfriends were so hot and blah blah blah. Well, the one chick, the yellow haired one with the fat ass, she was saying that her boyfriend was going to be the astronaut that everyone remembers. I shoulda kept my mouth shut.

"Who the hell wants to be an astronaut. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"
"Hey, pal! At least he's in school, has a home, and has a dream! You're nothing. Look at you. Take one hard look at yourself and then - only then - can you make fun of being an astronaut. Look at me. Sure, I want to save you, help you, but only you can turn your life into something meaningful."

That bitch was smart. As much as I wanted to admit - she was smarter than I woulda thought. She put my head on straight. A damn high school student. Well, that was the good news I'd been waiting for. Only I could fix my life. So I did.

And here I am. It's August and I'm working at a summer camp. I have a girlfriend - her name's Noelle. She's amazing. We've been dating for 6 months. She is the reason I'm working so hard. She helped turn me around. So now, while writing letters to you, Noelle, I'm realizing that I'm due for some more hard luck. My life has been uphill for too long. And when it goes down, I sure hope you're with me. I owe you everything.

-Rick

2002-12-11T22:35:00.000-05:00

The Story of 100 Aisles: A True Story of Our Future.

The year is 2029. In a galaxy somewhere out there, the crew of SS Bong was slowly falling asleep. It was 4am and they had just been punished. The mission of the SS Bong was to bring back the sun which had been stolen my a mischeivous robot named Oskar - it was a very serious mission. The consequence of laughing was lying awake in a room with dirty walls and a scary droid simply called 'The Birdman'. It was Annie who had laughed earlier that night causing the punishment of the rest of the innocent crew...however this was becoming all too familiar. Annie would have to g......

**CRASH**

A crew member screamed.

"OMIGOD! We've been in a fucking car crash!"
"What? You loser...we're not in a car - I think you mean that this big dumb rocket has broken down again. I think that was the ship's Plutonium fuel supply leaking. Damn! If only this ship was made of steel..."

Annie waited...she thought...no, she knew that it wasn't the fuel supply. That was not enough of an explanation for her. She and her friend Julia had to figure out this mystery for themselves because the rest of the crew was stuck in the middle of yesterday.

The pilot man had to make an emergency landing on the planet ZZLX-9. Still shaking from a rough landing, Annie went to get Julia. Together the girls snuck past the rest of the crew and put on their space suits. Annie opened the ship's door and jumped down. It was a long fall. She plummeted the 40ft to the planet surface at a speed of 600km/hr. Now, if there was another girl flying in the opposite direction, at a speed of 399km/hr, what is the chunk of impact? No, that's beside the point.

"Annie!!!"
"What?"
"How the fuck are you still alive?"
"Uh, my Photon Phazer's are working."
"Whatever."
"Here...just jump. I'll let you down."

Annie got ready to catch Julia but when she took a step back, she tripped on nothing in particular and fell on her bowels. Julia shot straight to the ground and landed in hell.

"Oh god! Julia?"
"You bitch...fucking clumsy, that's what you are."
"Sorry."
"If you believe I'm going to accept just 'sorry' you....you..."
"Spit it out....what's the big deal? You're a droid...you were made to heal anyway!"

The sophisticated young women started walking along the planet's rough surface, occasionally spraining an ankle or two as they stumbled. After they had walked for roughly 57km, a structure loomed in the distance.

"What's that?"
"Looks like a structure looming in the distance. Let's go check it out."
"Annie...is it safe?"
"That's the problem with you droids..you are afraid of everything. And dumb too."
"That's not true...I wasn't dumb enough to sell my soul!!"
"No, but you were dumb enough to sell your olfactory system. Now you can't smell a damn thing. How are you going to be able to smell all these automatic flowers?"
"hmmm..."

The beasts walked towards the structure looming in the distance and when they reached it, 89km later, they debated whether or not to go in.

"Julia...what are you stopping for now? It's just a neon crossing. You've seen those before. Just jump over it...but please do not fall into it - it is a pool of sharks."
"I don't want to go in...why can't we go over there? Look..there's a carnival!"
"Just because there is a ferris wheel on the horizon, it doesn't mean there is a carnival. It's probably just a blister in your mind."

Annie grabbed Julia's synthetic hair and dragged her inside.

"Hello? Is anybody home?"

The structure that was no longer looming in the distance looked like it was a nursery. There were babies everywhere. Annie noticed two sneaky men and scurried back against a wall into the random refrigerator box. She watched them - they were shooting up and stealing babies.

"Jesus, everyone's a junkie."

She spoke too loud. The two men looked up and saw Julia. Shit! thought Annie. She forgot about Julia who was left standing in the middle of the open banquet hall. The two men ran towards Julia.

"Stop! I am a droid and I have many defence mechanisms."
"What's yer name, droidette?"
"Julia."
"Well Julia...I want to tell you a story about a girl named Julia...she died."
"You're a bad man...you're a thief!"
"Hmmm, she's a bright one isn't she Midian."
"Yeah...she is."
"Listen to me...Superman will save me. He's always pulled through."
"HAHA! Listen to ME, girly. Superman's dead - his supersatellite crashed under Zenith last night. Sorry. Looks like it's Midian and I against your one man army...haha or should I say one droid army?"
"No! Wait...I-I-I'll....do you want my soul? ANNNIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE."

Annie grimaced. She was just going to let her friend die. Now she had to save her. Fuck.

"Hey, bastards. All my friends want to talk to you. Meet the end of your life."
"What the duce? Annie?"
"Hello Oskar."

Annie recognized him...it was Oskar - her ex-boyfriend. This was her chance to get the damn sun back. Annie pulled a shotgun out of her breasts and shot her foot by mistake.

"Ow, shit!"

The shotgun melted. Next, Annie pulled fourteen potatoes out of her breasts.

"They call me Potato Girl, biotch!"

She threw six potatoes at Midian and seven at Oskar. They all hit dead on. She saved the last one for Julia.

"You bitch! You have the best aim in the world so I know you did that on purpose!"
"Well, do you like it?"
"Yes, but it's the principle."
"You have no fucking principles!"
"Maybe not but I am smart enough to ask 'why the fuck are we here? I thought we were supposed to be investigating that crash on the rocket?' ..."
"Oh. Julia. You're smart. Let's hurry. My quantum scientology military tactic's team is telling me that this structure that is no longer but that soon will be looming in the distance is going to self-implode in 1 second.

CRASH.

Pulling Annie up from the wreckage, Julia wondered what hope humans had left.

"Annie, if those men were stealing babies, then what were the babies doing? Breastfeeding?"
"No, Julia...they were contemplating the fate of the world...and now that the majority of those babies were stolen, the fate of the world is death. Death, Julia....death."
"We'll see...but I guess it isn't going to be the wonderful future everyone hoped it to be..."
"No Julia...are you sad about that?"
"Of course...because I wanted to be a droid that lived on earth. Living on the SS Bong is fun but eventually you get tired of the food."
"Imagine a world with no food...that is what Earth is like right now. You don't want to be there. We're soon going to find another planet where we can flourish on but until then, we have to eat our limbs."

The dirty women walked into the non-existent sunset...

"Annie? Where are you? I can't see you in this total blackness..."
"Right behind you (mafia)"
"What? Mafia? Where?"
"Julia, do me a favour...mind your own fucking business. Leave me to my own happiness and the fish I call Stuart."
"Okay...sorry Annie."

The bitches walked all the way back to the ship. The route they took coming home was much shorter - only 23km. When they knocked on the door they were denied access and were shunned away. The ship shot away. Behind them, Ray Kurzweil gave them each a loaf of bread and the three of them lived happily ever after. It was a full and bountiful life.

The rest of the crew? The mission? Well, they failed to bring back the sun. Instead, with the needle and the damage done, they got nude and died. Imagine death....from the years 1947-97, the unexplained happened. Babies kept eating their mothers. What a fucked up future in store for us - the fate of the world resting on Annie and Julia and their disastrous failure...is this really the wonderful future?

2002-12-09T03:05:00.000-05:00

SPIES JUMPED OUT OF EVERY CORNER

Marky couldn't sleep. He was seven and was sharing a room with his brothers and sisters...but they were sound asleep. What could he do to pass the time? He glanced over at Meg's schoolbag.

"Have you ever heard a whisper in your ear? Have you looked but not found the source? Don't panic..."

Marky was sitting in his bed when he heard it...it was a raspy voice that made him shiver. His brothers and sisters were sound asleep in the beds across the room, but Marky couldn't sleep. He kept hearing the whispers...

Assuring himself that it was only superstition, Marky turned on his side and pulled the covers over his head. He had to be bigger, stronger. He was a big boy now. Everything's not lost. It's all in his imagination.

"Marky...."

Marky sat up...scanning the room he saw that his brothers and sisters were still asleep. None of them would pull a dumb trick like this, he thought. They were all too 'mature'. Marky wanted nothing more than for daylight to come again. This night was proving to be...

"Maaaarrrrkky..."

The voice was the scariest thing he'd ever...then he saw them. Green eyes were staring at him from the closet...whatever it was had yellow teeth. Marky was frightened...more frightened than Hook was in the movie 'Hook' when he went into the room with all the clocks.

"Cooommmmmeee heeeeeeeeerrrre, Maarrrky..."
"W-Who a-a-are yo-ou?"
"Maaaarrrrrrrkkkkkkyyyyyyy..."

Behind him, his night light bulb blew up creating total darkness. Interpreting this as a warning sign, Marky jumped off his bed and ran to the bedroom door. It was locked. He saw more of them...spies in the dark...each one with hideous yellow teeth and glowing green eyes.

"Caaaarrrrrreeeeeeeeful where you stand..."

Marky looked down at the floor. Snakes. Snakes were everywhere....Looking up he saw his brothers and sisters still sleeping. Why can't they hear this?!?! Help is just around the corner, thought Marky. If he could only get out of the damn room. Fuck!, he thought. Mom and Dad are in Amsterdam. There is no help...if only his brothers and sisters would wake up.

"What would Spider-Man do if he was in my place? He wouldn't be scared of snakes! He would laugh and then shoot his web and catch the spies..."
"Maaaaarrrrrrrkkkkkyyyyy..."

Fighting back tears, Marky knew he was in trouble. He wouldn't be able to escape...he was just a little boy..what could he do? If only he knew how these beasts worked...they must be easy to please if they're getting their jollies scaring a little boy like Marky...

"H-h-hey...Listen to m-me...this is M-MY ro-o-o-m."
"Yeeeeeessssssssssssssssshhhh?"
"For you....it's for you..."

He moved back as the green eyed monster came out of the closet (...) and approached Marky. Marky took a few steps back but stepped on a snake's head. It withered and wrapped it's body around Marky's ankle. Screaming he ran and jumped back on to his bed. No more keeping my feet on the ground, he thought. Looking at the cross above his door, Marky prayed. He didn't want to die.

Glancing around the room he tried to find things to protect himself with. He saw his high speed internet cable (to strangle the beast), his LSD (man it gave such a rush), the photo of his dead grandmother ("I might see you soon."), and his latest book (Politik). Not knowing what to use to battle the demon, he jumped off the bed, not caring where he stepped. He ran towards the door but was tripped by the beast's long tail. He flew head first into the door. Feeling a rush of blood to the head, he got up and looked at the beast...it was groaning. Something was happening.

"Markkyyyyyy.......we never change. We will always come after little boys like you...whhaaaattttttttttt's thisssssssss?"
"That's my LSD..."
"hehehe"

The beast and his fellow spies enjoyed some sugar. After a few minutes, they were a happy bunch. One spy actually pretended he was jumping out of a plane thinking he had twenty parachutes...

"Thank you! God put a smile on your face. Watch this!"

Marky grabbed the high speed internet cable and attached millions of glow sticks to it. He swung the cable around his head continuously, like a cowboy. The spies watched. They tripped out and began to feel dizzy....they fell over singing 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.'

With a sigh of relief, Marky proceeded to put the snakes into the beds of his brothers and sisters. They were selfish pricks for sleeping through what could have been Marky's death. But he didn't put any snakes in his brother Kegger's bed.

"You're the only one I love...you're the scientist of this family."

Marky realized an important lesson that night. Life is for living, not killing.

"oooh I love you! I bloom blaum."

He passed out seeing sparks fly out of his hand.

Marky's brothers and sisters woke up to find their seven year old brother lying on the floor, looking very satisfyed. On the floor beside him was Meg's empty ziploc bag - it was her stash...Mom and Dad could never know... They all just slept while Marky had a little visit with Lucy in the sky with diamonds...

2002-12-09T01:02:00.000-05:00

MARIJUANA AND GAY SWEDISH MEN

"Woah! Man, this bus is flyin man! The driver's crrrraaazzzyyy!"

"Sit yo ass down fool, you'll get us in trouble!"

"Hush, dude don't be so paranoid. Man, you'll like faint or something from bein so paranoid. You'll be like those fainting goat things? Man seriously I saw that shit on TV, these goats faint when they get scared! MAN that's you!! Faint c'mon, c'mon faint!"

"Shut up Leroy, let me out, c'mon this our stop, get your sorry ass outta here"

Like every night, the twins Leroy and Stewy, got off their graveyard shift, at 8:30 in the morning. Day after day it was the same boring thing. From midnight till 1:15 they washed the penguins, from 1:15 till 3 they cleaned out the dingo's pen, then from 3 till 4:30 they watched various animals mating, then had dinner consisting of a couple tall cans and smoked their mississipi weed. They would then sit around spitting at the llama and laugh at each other everytime llama would spit on one of them. However, they we're both working to make money for different reasons. Stewy, wanted to save up to go bacc 2 school in Palmdale. Now Leroy on the other hand was usin his money to become a dealer , he just needed some money to buy his initial supply. They had a bet, whoever could accomplish theirs first before their 54th birthday would get to make the loser run down the street naked, slapping their ass yelling, "I take it like an emu in heat". Unfortunately time was running out for both of them, for their 54th birthday was next week.

"Yo Stewster!"

"Don't call me that"

"Yeah whatever, dude lets just get bacc on the bus, i'm freezin my swedish ass off"

"Listen, you're a dope fiend, you'll never go anywhere, you smoke all your profit if you manage to sell your dope, you've become an embarressment to the american dream."

"Dawg, that was harsh, we're not even american, we're in Sweden retard. What's wrong, you're never like
this."

"Nothin"

"Dawg.."

"It's Palena, she seems to be spending more time with girls, and......"

"and?"

"She won't let me fuck"

"WHAT?!?!"

"She won't let me fuck"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA God has smiled on me today, I feel so lucky"

"Why?"

"I get it every night.....twice, hold up a sec, i'm goin to roll some more shit"

"Roll me one too"

"Yo there's a price 2 pay"

"Leroy, if it ain't free, I'll tell everyone what you did with the koala the other night while it was sleeping"

"Bastard, deal"

So as Leroy began to roll the blunts, it dawned on Stewy

"You know Leroy, we're not going to do what we planned before our 54th birthday"

"Yeah I know, so?"

"Well that means we both have to run down the street naked slapping our ass, the last thing I need is to read the headlines about two gay swedish men slapping their asses and yelling about taking it from emu's. Everyone will notice us, it'll be like the old western movies where the tumbleweed rolls across the screen, you can't miss it, that'll be us. Two big fat ass slapping swedish men rolling down the street. What are Palena and....wait, what is your girl friends name?"

"I dunno, the author didn't make one up yet"

"okay Butchina it is, well if you're strugglin n' strivin like Palena and I are I'm sure it's not that great"

"You named my girlfriend Butchina? WHAT THE FUCK? I'm gonna buschead boogie your ass so hard you'll think it was Gustavus VI"

*Authors note: Gustavus VI (Gustaf Adolf) lived from 1882-1973, was the king of Sweden from 1950-73, he was suprisingly the son of Gustavus V*

"Yeah yeah, anyways Leroy, man you've got to hear this crazy rap I came up with at work today"

"Shoot"

"I cash I got hoes, biatch!
Yeah Yeah Jigga what? Yeah Yeah!
I'm the smoothest dawg,
Hoes cash, money what, that's right!"

"That's horrible, c'mon let's all get drunk"

"But dude that's how they do it on MTV over in USA, and they get rich, then i can go to school. I saw it at Vernon's house on his satellite, man and you should see all the hot swedish girls on afterwards on the porn channel.I know how's this sound:
'I didn't go to school, because I got high'
What do you think, I could make a whole song about it"

"That's lame Stewy, no one would ever listen to something like that"

2002-12-09T00:51:00.000-05:00

ONLY IN DREAMS....and the Crab named Hebe

No one else new it. It was information that is found only in dreams....

Jonas was digging in his sandbox was Jamie came up to him with a map. He had a very excited look on his face - even more excited than when he broke up with his ex, Suzanne.

"Hey Jamie, what's up?"
"Look at this! I found this map lying in the garage. It looks like it leads to an island in the sun somewhere across the sea....Let's check it out!"
"Why bother? You know that your mom would never let us go on a holiday. I mean, she barely let you leave the house to enjoy this glorious day. You're dreaming."
"Dude, I'm serious. We'll sneak out like the time when we rented that hotel room with the american gigolo? She was totally clueless to us going there!"
"I don't know....I'm diggin' this hole here to see if I can reach water..."
"Buddy....we live in Death Valley."
"Shut up...maybe I'll reach the ocean! We could have Halibut for dinner!"
"K, keep fishin' but I'm headin' out...later Jonas."

Leaving Jonas alone with his shovel, Jamie thought of all the possibilites of finding a treasure on this island...this paradise. No other one knows about it and the prospect of having it all to himself (and the crab named Hebe of course) excited him. Jamie smashed the window of his mother's Lexus, hotwired it and drove off. It was December...and December in Death Valley is...well...death.

"As if Jonas wouldn't come...what a wuss! MAN! Sometimes I wonder about that guy. Look at me...the world has turned and left me here all alone. Well, at least I got my hash pipe...can't leave home without that. Geez...look at me! I'm talkin' to my damn self! Fuck...It's too late to try to make him come. He'll just sit there, a slave to fashion."

Driving for three hours, Jamie got bored so pulled into a service station called 'Marty's Service Station'. It looked pretty safe - except for the corpses that lined the parking lot.

"Okay Jamie. You're 18. Take control and don't piss your fucking pants. You're gonna be rich so act like it. Enough velouria."

Walking into the sketchy place, Jamie recognized her immediately. But it was too late to try to run.

"Suzanne! What ARE you doing here?"
"Jamie.... I..uh don't know what to say. I-I work here...I dance in front of the jukebox and make 3 bucks an hour. And what's worse..they pay me in lire! 3 lire is shit. SHIT."
"I haven't missed you."
"I've thought about you so much. You gave your love to me softly."
"Suzanne, I just don't dig american girls...sorry."
"Is there anyone else in your life right now? Because I'm falling for you all over again."
"Oh God not another one of your 'love explosions'...."
"OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! YES! YES! YES! OH GOD!"
"Fuck I feel like I'm in a shampoo commerical...Fuck off Suzanne. I'm going to do your sister."

Suzanne was left, post-orgasm with nothing but the following to say...

"With that act..with that ugly orgasmic display, I-I-I just threw out the love of my dreams."

There was nothing Jamie hated more than Suzanne...but he needed a quick fix. He walked back into the service centre and had sex with Suzanne on the floor. If this wasn't taking control, he didnt' know what was...At least it wasn't Date Rape. When he was tired of sex, he gave Suzanne a lollipop.

"O Girlfriend...That's all you get from me sweetie...see you in hell."
"Say it ain't so! Look! It's Matt your BOYFRIEND...go KISS him, BASTARD!"

Upon reaching his Lexus...excuse me, his mom's Lexus...Jamie saw him. Jonas had ridden his bicycle all the way here to find Jamie. If those weren't best friends, then death & destruction to all! As they drove off, Jonas yelled at a bitch.

"Hey bitch! My name is JONAS!"

Suzanne acknowledged Jonas' finger.

"My mom let me come on this wild goose chase with you. She told me to watch that you be careful that you don't become a dope nose. HAHA Then I said that you already had a dope nose..Hey hey, what's worse than a dog with three legs? A cat with four ears! AHHAA."
"Dude..just stop. Glad you're here but enough with the weak punches at Saddam Hussein."
"Sorry. So GOD you're a slob...look at this SUV. It guzzles gas, yes, but you don't have to make it worse by causing a knock-down drag-out."
"Yeah, I got a little carried away while I was banging the preacher's son a few hours ago."
"What?"
"...nothing?"

They drove on in silence...both unsure of what just happened. Jonas was thinking that Jamie pledged allegiance to the Pink Triangle while Jamie feared that Jonas thought that he pledged allegiance to the Pink Triangle. The silence continued for miles...

"Have the lambs stopped screaming, Clarice?"
"What?"
"Quid pro quo."
"Jamie...what are you on now?"
"I would like a nice chianti and french fries with lava beans."
"Uh...how about we just listen to music..this is Radiohead's new song called 'Burdnt Jamb'. I like it 'cause it's about man who smells burnt toast, dies and then a cowboy steals his french leg. Shows how so much popular music these days touches on important themes."
"Whoa dude I feel like I'm in a snow globe...look at Wheldon!...hey...are you?...are you Buddy Holly?"

Pretending that didn't happen, Jonas just let Jamie keep driving, while fearing for his life. He was thinking about how Death Valley looked like Mars...the rocks looked like spacerock. Jonas looked at his watch and realized they'd been travelling for 16 days. Why the hell weren't they out of Death Valley? It was Christmas Eve and they were still in the fucking Lexus in fucking Death Valley...

"Uh..Jamie? Where are we?"
"Shhh...I'm not your slave...but look ahead..it's what we've been looking for."

Jonas looked to where Jamie was pointing and saw a huge rock formation that looked like modern dukes. It was on the edge of a huge cliff. Jamie got out and ran towards it with his map in hand. His devotion to finding this 'treasure' was disturbing and the fact that this clearly wasn't an 'island in the sun' scared Jonas...He stepped out of the car.

"El scorcho! That pavement is hot. Why didn't I wear shoes?"

Running across the deserted plain with no shoes, Jonas suddenly had a dose of 'already-seen'. This was exactly like that computer game...King's Quest! He never made it past this part because he was always stung by a...

Jonas died. He was stung by a scorpion.

Jamie reached the rock formation and knocked on it. No one would answer but Jamie took a photograph just for memories. He found a groove in the rock so he stuck his ex-girlfriend Adeline (my adeline) into it. She screamed but it opened the door. Leaving Adeline in the rock, Jamie walked in. He found his treasure. Inside was a beautiful sweater made of the finest hemp. Jamie sang. He came undone (the sweater song) and cried. Pulling out his transcript paper, he wrote the lyrics and chords and tabs then sent them down the rivers. These simple pages would become starlight to millions. Knowing he could be a superstar if he tried, Jamie played a game of getchoo with himself. It didn't work out to well because he stumbled on Jonas.

"Oh man Oh man Oh man."

He walked for miles..unsure of what to do, he just walked and walked. He felt so many feelings that he couldn't understand. Was he really gone? Surely it wasn't the mad kow...oh lisa.

As he sat in the middle of the road, a bright light came from above...two beautiful angels came down. Their names were Mykel & Carli. They assured Jamie that Jonas was fine. He was up in heaven and the girls were showing him a good time. Jamie felt relaxed. He felt like publishing something.

"Smile kid. You're gonna go places."
"Thanks you two. Keep Jonas happy."

Jamie climbed in his mother's Lexus and turned around. Heading home, it started snowing in Death Valley. Jamie flipped on the radio and a christmas song was playing. It was the one with the drums and the boy.

"Man this is gonna be a lonely day but tomorrow will certainly be a christmas celebration."

As the light shines on the black rich person's Lexus, a butterfly emerges from a cocoon. Jamie goes off-roading in the Lexus and smushes the branch upon which the butterfly was resting. It died.

In memory of Mykel & Carli Allen - July 9, 1997

2002-12-08T23:11:00.000-05:00

Not for the weak
April 26, 1992
Dear Diary,
I'm sorry I haven't not written to you for quite some time now. Things have been crazy for the past couple days. It all started two days ago, remember how I said I was going to that new dance club the Jailhouse for the greatest hits of all time night? Well, when I got there the line up was huge! Luckily Ebin's boyfriend is a bouncer so we got in right away. Apparently it's who you know that gets you places. Anyways the party was great, and the D.J.S were incredible. Fatima and I we're trying to pick up a couple of the them, I was talking to Boss D.J, and she was talkin to KRS-One, whoever they are. So anyways Boss D.J. and I ended up outside talking, some guy was gazing into the eyes of Fatima so I knew she would be in good hands. So Boss DJ told me his real name was Kit. He told me about how he was doin freeway time in L.A. county jail because he got caught stealin from the pawn shop. He also sang for me a new song he was workin on, it was called the ballad of Johnny Butt. Yeah I know, what a title! It was a deep song though, it was about a guy, Johnny, who thinks we're only gonna die for our own arrogance. Anyways it was getting cold out so we went to the Pool Shark, where we shot some pool and talked some more. Kit taught me a new game called alphabet pool, I lost though because i sunk the q-ball, i was so mad. He ordered a couple burritos which I kindly turned down because I already had gas that night, I think it was from the badfish I had eatten. So there we were playing pool, to the steady B loop dub, eatting burittos and had only met not even two hours ago in the bar! We started talking about the future. He told me that he wants to visit Africa because he wants to practice santeria, apparently they have all these falling idols there. We talked about how I want to live in a little district on the Lincoln highway, somewhere near STP. I even told him about how I was a foolish fool and paddled out too far in the rivers of Babylon last summer and the cisco kid had to come out on the power boat and save me.

Kit said he would be right back, he just had to call his buddy E, I told him I would be at the pool table waiting for my ruca. I felt like I had him under my voodoo, everything was going as I would have planned it. Kit came back a couple minutes later, he explained that he was going to live at E's for awhile, E is a buddy that he'd been d.j'ing with for sometime now. The pool hall started to play the Raleigh Soliloquy, but then they followed it up with Raleigh Soliloquy Pt II, and then Raleigh Soliloquy Pt. III, finally they changed it and on came a Marley medley. Kit looked at me and said
"I don't care too much for reggae dub, let's go get stoned, we'll smoke two joints I've been waiting for bud all day, and i know this is some good seed." We left the pool hall and went down to corner store, Kit wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to me, I looked at it and saw '54-46' and looked at Kit. He blushed and said '54-46 that's my number on Steppin' Razor Road'. Once we got to the store he bought some papers to roll the weed with and a 40, he had this theory that there was 40 oz. to freedom. I suggest that we walked down to the park and smoked on the way instead of just sitting around although I'm sure it's all the same in the end. So there Kit and I were, smoking up and singing the free loop dub and new thrash in the park. We ended up lying in a garden on a bed of scarlet begonias and he asked me if I wanted to do a garden groove. So right there in the middle of the garden I kissed him. What happened after that is where things went the wrong way.

Kit looked at me and said "C'mon baby caress me down, I want to show you what I got" But I told him that I had just met him and that I wasn't like that but he got mad and pushed me back down when I tried to get up and kept telling me to caress him down. I kept telling him 'don't push' but he was mad and pushed me really hard. He pushed me down and jumped on top of me, by then I was crying big salty tears because I realized that this was a date rape. He had his hand over my mouth and kept saying something about 'chica me tipo' and to 'get ready', then he pushed himself into me. It hurt so much. I actually saw red on him. Moments later another couple came into sight, as they got closer I realized it was two officers on patrol. I grabbed dirt and stuffed it in Kit's face, he yepled in suprise not knowing that the officers were only 50 feet behind him. The officers heard him and looked over and saw us there, and ran over to see what was going on, they knew immediately what happened. One grabbed him while the other helped calm me, I was crying uncontrollably. I spent the rest of the night in the station explaining to the officers what happened. Eventually mom and dad got there and picked me up. I thanked the officer for being there and saving me from anymore and he simply said
"It is our job and the kind of work that we do. Don't worry he'll be doin time, alot of it'.
Let's hope so.
Thanx for listening
Mary

2002-12-08T21:18:00.000-05:00

THE TRAGICAL HISTORY OF KING LEAR: Shakespeare's tale updated for the youth of America

"FUCK! Dylan! You're not a rock 'n' roll star! Turn that shit off!"

Fed up with Dylan, Mackorie took his toy Street Fighting Man and threw it at Dylan's head. It broke upon contact. Dylan looked up from his music towards his brother and glared. Mackorie glared back. They glared for what seemed like minutes.

"Look, Mackorie...d'yer wanna be a spaceman?"
"Yeah...an astronaut."
"Well...I want to be a rock 'n' roll star...a Shakermaker if you will. So don't tell me to stop fucking playing. Some might say that you're jealous! But you should be since I AM THE WALRUS! And I'm never gonna fade away. I'll bring in the fame. I'm gonna live forever."
"...do you still want to go to Digsy's Diner for dinner? We need to work on that project for the church group....remember? We should get it done before we go back to Columbia."
"Sure. Let me just run through one more set. I will believe that you can take me away."

Twenty-two hours later, the boys were finally on their way to the diner. Dylan was in an odd mood.

"Hey Mackorie...don't you think the air in here is feeling a little...ODDDDDD?"
"uhh...definitely...maybe? Dude...bring it on down. You're scaring me. What are you on? Hey! Listen up! If you keep doing drugs, you're going nowhere fast, d'you know what I mean?"
"Hey...I'm SICK! Not a druggie! Remember? (I got) the fever...you know that. Well...drugs..hell won't be so bad...(as long as they've got) cigarettes in hell I'm okay."
"Right....one way road man..you go down you can never come back..remember that. You're hung in a bad place."

They walked into the diner and sat at a booth in the corner. Dylan took his books out of his bag.

"So what is this project anyway?"
"Well, I think we just have to define a word...what word did we pick?"
"Something with an A...hey Mack, pass me your notebook. I wrote it in Armenian so you couldn't read it."
"K...here."
"uh....Acquiesce"
"What the fuck."
"Do you have a dictionary?"
"Nope"
"Well fuck..we're gonna have to travel to the UK."
"Let's MOVE!"
"Fuck off Dylan! You're such an ASS...Just say 'let's go'...you're not in the fuckin' army!"

So they were off...Dylan suggested they take the boat....Mackorie responded by hitting him in the spleen with a little angel child. He wanted to fly. The brothers could never agree on anything. Even when they were younger, Dylan always ended up sitting in the rockin' chair while Mackorie would sing 'round are way' repeatedly like a little insane prick child in the corner. They eventually agreed on travelling all around the world on a songbird.

When they boarded the bird, Dylan saw a girl. He fell in love with her. He felt soo good. (It's good) to be free, he thought and he hit his brother in the arm.

"Look at her! She's electric!"
"Who?"
"HER! The girl in the dirty shirt!"
"Dude..my random age calculating machine shows that she's 15."
"SO! We're 16!"
"Stand by me when we walk by...don't go for her man...I'll be she lives half the world away. You've got to hide your love away. We're not here to create an episode of married with children..we're here to ... Dylan?"

"So honey....I am the walrus...wanna hump?"
"Look guy..I know you're an irresistible force of nature and my big mouth might get me into trouble...but full on, you came on too strong. You have to be nice to a girl and say something romantic in her ear like 'hey sexy, put yer money where yer mouth is."
"I can see a liar. You're not 15...you must be 25 if you're this experienced...or you're just born on a different cloud..."

"Dylan! Get back here....No! Don't even think about employing the masterplan on her."

"So sweetie...what's your name?"
"Marielle."
"We're going to talk tonight. We're gonna be on this bird for a long time...stay young. Don't let those breasts sag. You're my morning glory and we're gonna fornicate every chance we get! Listen to my Masterplan...I'm gonna slide away after we make love....and then you're gonna wake up in the bed of a Headshrinker."
"CAST NO SHADOW ON ME YOU HEINOUS ANUS!"

Dylan was disgusted...his plan to win over this female was shot down in a flash. He went to the beak of the songbird and sat underneath the sky pondering. He was pissed off royally. Sick of his brother. Sick of Marielle. Sick of his lack of music...he jumped.

"Thank god. It's about time you fucker."
"NO! Mackorie! Help me! I didn't mean to jump. I'm hanging on only by this random noose."

Mackorie pulled Dylan back onto the bird and slapped him on his face.

"Listen, asshole. We have to get to the UK to find out the damn meaning of 'Acquiesce'. Why the hell did we pick this word anyway...and why did I have to be stuck with YOU as my brother. I hate you. You're an ass!"
"Fuck you Mack."

That night, the boys slept in different beds on different wings of the songbird. They thought about things. Mack thought about a boneheads bank holiday and Dylan thought about flashbax. When they woke up in the morning they told each other their dream.

"Mack, geez there was my sister lover and then out of the east came a supersonic jet. Dude it was trippy."
"Dylan, that's nothing compared to mine. I was reading a paper called the Hindu Times and it only focused on news about Madonna. There was an article that said 'She Is Love' but I was like 'No! She's S&M'!"
"Ya man...those dreams put a lot of things into perpective for me. Lets go to the UK now."

The brothers held each other and jumped off the song bird. Flying through the air, they thought about a lot of things. Dylan really wanted cigarettes & alcohol while Mack wanted to sing a sad song.

WHOOMPH!

The two brothers felt odd....they were no longer plummeting to the ground..instead...they were steadily flying over things. Beneath them was the Atlantic Ocean....there was a huge storm and a man was telling people on the boat they would survive...

"Look! Dylan! I can see a liar! And over there....a cloudburst!"
"Dude! My fever...it's gettin' better (man!)"
"Aw sweet! That rocks...cum on feel the noize!"
"You hear those sweet New Deal beats too? Hey look! An Arabian man....Hello!"
"Allo sweet cheeks!"
"Aw fuck, he's weird...."

Dylan took his machette and cut up the Arabian man into 13 pieces. They all fell to the ground like meteors. Flying now over the UK, the boys felt like heroes, flying towards a dictionary. Dylan began to cry. He just realized that he was going to die.

"FUCK! Dylan! Shut up! Stop crying your heart out! You're an ass baby, you know that? Here were are, up in the sky, and all you can do is cry."
"Fuck you dude! I want champagne..."
"...supernova! Look up there! A star is exploding! ARGH! Look out!"

The supernova spewed green guts everywhere and when they seared through the atmosphere, they were better people.

"It's better people...and I'm a better man...boy."
"Yeah Dylan! That made you stop crying didn't it, bitch. Listen up...I have this magic pie....I hope, I think, I know that it will taste good but also stop us from flying around the world. Don't go away...come over here. Hey! Be here now!...okay take a bite"

Dylan took a bite. It tasted like chicken on a rump roast of pig in July. It made him start to sing. It was a sad song. It made him feel alive...singing again. Eventually the singing faded away because Dylan and Mack crashed into a huge dictionary that was strategically placed in their path.

"Fuck you Dylan! Why can't you ever use your eyes instead of your heart?"
"Shut up Mack...its not like you saw it either!"
"Yea well....well...wull...wool."
"wtf?"
"Where did it all go wrong."
"Well Mack, at least it's a dictionary...lets look up the damn word, then plummet to our death."

Mack turned the pages while Dylan looked for the word. For the first time, the two boys were using team work. They hadn't fought in over 3 minutes which was something of a record for them. No more of this Helter Skelter nonsense....

"Okay..I found it! The dictionary meaning of 'acquiesce' is: 'to consent without protest'."
"Really? That's it? That's what we literally flew half way around the world to find out? Mother fucker."
"It makes sense though..you know? Cuz we need each other..."
"And we believe in one another."

With that, the two brothers burned the dictionary to the ground (which was a long way down) and then flew off into the sunset. However, an accident occured...right when the two brothers were finally getting along and were singing their one and only duet ever, Dylan crashed into a wonderwall. It made Mack wonder how Dylan could be dead...they were friends. They played good music. Assuming it was (probably) all in the mind, he continued to fly on, leaving Dylan's smushed corpse stuck to the wonderwall. Little by little, Dylan's body parts began to fall...

BRING

"ooh! I've got a sunday morning call. Hello?"
"This is death."
"Hey death...how's it going?"
"I'm just waiting for you..."
"Oh shit!"

Mack continued to fly, fearing he would die next...over his shoulder, his eye caught something....a red balloon was lifting a baby up into the air. It dropped the baby.

"Little James!!! Who feels love? Definitely not that damn balloon! What the fuck is the story, morning glory? Why did that balloon drop James?"

Then, the fall started...Mack was being hurtled towards earth.

SPLAT.

He landed on the top of a huge skyscraper in London. Standing on the shoulder of giants, Mack got up and looked around. An angel was descending. It looked like Gene Wilder.

"Yo. I'm your renegade angel and I'm here to tell you life's lessons."
"Great."
"Fuck you and your sarcasm. What makes you angry?"
"My brother used to...we acquiesed but then died. That situation makes me want to go punch him."
"Don't look back in anger. Look back with love."
"Shut your trap, bastard."
"Hey now. I will believe that ....well, let's all make believe that this gas panic will soon fade and you will soon realize that the heathen chemistry was in your favour this whole time. You just chose to stick to the heathen calculus."
"Where did it all go wrong?"
"Look...you obviously have some issue to work out...go let it out then you can die."
"ME? Die? I'll just roll with it as it comes to me. Or roll it over and perform CPR. I wonder if CPR would work on death."

Death was standing on the edge of the skyscraper. Mack got so angry that Death was there that he started to fade in-out of reality. When he came back to reality, he put the world on his back and if he wasn't so stupid he would carry us all but he fell. He decided to stay young. So he charged at death who was still standing on the edge.

"sigh...(It's good) to be free...but I just gotta step out of this craziness...here I go...FUCK YOU DEATH! FUCK YOU!"
"ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't come any closer vermin!"
"Shut Up Death!"
"Whatever."

Death stepped aside and Mack flew off the side of the building.

Dylan's plan to live forever didn't pan out so why should Mack's? The tragedy of Mack and Dylan was an upsetting tale of woe. Perhaps, brothers will think again before they fight and fight on stage making asses of themselves in public and losing the respect of many fans who still like their music but hate their antics.

2002-12-07T22:09:00.000-05:00

The Man of Action

It is indeed a sad age of media convergence...these strange days are none to be messed with. The sun rises on the state of Alabama. An Alabama motel room to be exact. Jeb (short for Jebediah) was reading through his papers, under the influence again. Jeb was a rat. He was planning something intense. When his girlfriend Jenni came in, he had to quickly hide his papers in his pants. Standing up, Jenni asked him if he was happy to see her.

"Are you happy to see me, Jeb?"
"Haha."

Jeb was thinking of letting Jenni in on his plan for a long time, but he just wasn't entirely sure if he could trust her. After all, Jenni was the daughter of the man from Harold Wood. Feeling as though they were miles apart, Jeb felt he had to let her in.

"Jenni, sit down."
"What's up, Vermillion?"
"I have a plan...I want to go on a journey to find the one thing."
"A r-road trip??"
"Yes, Jenni. My life as a circus clown has not been as fulfilling as I wanted...this is my last chance for redemption."

They were off. Jenni and Jeb piled into their flight recorder from Viking 7 with elbows in tow. Jeb was the rat who would be king. He was a giant in his own right and after failing the Rorschach Test, only then did he realize a truth: the future is x-rated.

"Marty? Shit! Your name's Jeb"
"It's okay Jenni. Every name is my name."
"Well, I was just thinking that since you brought your guitar you should compose some songs."
"What a splendid idea, Jenni. I knew I brought you for a reason."

Jeb got straight to work on composing while Jenni drove the flight recorder. His first song was about a zany road trip with a girl named Jenni. It was called 'Jenni's Song.' The next song was co-written with Bryan Adams and was called 'Intermezzo: M. Good v M. Trolley.' Upon performing them for Jenni, he threw his guitar onto the highway, where it smashed into bits. Jenni stopped the car. The tires screeched and the temporary towers soared.

"Jenni! What the fuck is wrong with your head? Honestly! Sometimes I think you are a big fucking bitch!!"
"Peace motha!"
"Jenni! You're under the influence!"

Jenni was under the influence and it was then that Jeb realized she was born to kill. He got out of the car and walked into Future Shop. Coming out with a raygun for Jenni, he saw a bum on the side of the street. He had a very long beard. Stooping down, he looked at the man in the eyes.

"Sir, you look very familiar...who are you?"
"Rip Van Winkle...I haven't slept in years."
"But aren't you the guy who hasn't stopped sleeping?"
"Yes, but ever since I, the throw away, started taking speed, I have been one of the indestructible."
"Indestructible, eh?"

Jeb shot Rip with the raygun. Rip died.

"Indestructible my ass! Jenni! DRIVE!"

They roared away from the store faster than a change of season. They zoomed past a triage of police cars but didn't slow down. However, in passing they noticed an Anti-Pop advertisment on one of them.

"Look at that! They're advertising on police cars! This...this...this is the fall of man, isn't it Jeb?"
"Oh no, Jenni. The fall of man is in this little mechanism right here...a raygun. It's yours."

Jenni took the raygun and shot the rearview mirror so Jeb couldn't use it anymore to look down her shirt at her vuluptous breasts.

"Whoa! I didn't realize this gun was automatic!"
"Jenni, Jenni, Jenni...in this age, everything is automatic!"

While driving through the city of the Native Son, Jenni and Jeb scanned the streets for what they were looking for on this quest. Aware that what they would find would likely bring about the end of the world, Jeb was content to continue looking.

"Stop!"

Jenni stopped the car and Jeb climbed out. He ran up some townhouse steps and knocked on a door. A fine looking old woman opened the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Smith!"
"Heelloooo dear! Whhaat caan I doo for youu?"
"JENNI! Raygun! Use it!"

Jenni grabbed the gun, aimed and fired.

"FUCCCCCK! That's my fucking arm! Get the broad!"

Jenni took another shot and hit Mrs. Smith in the chest.

"oooh..I've been hit in the chest."
"So long Mrs. Smith."

Jenni ran up the steps but slipped, falling hard on the concrete. Her skull split open revealing Brocha's Area and a boy and his machine gun.

"Ahhh so you were controlling Jenni all along."
"Yes...she's got a new disguise."

Jeb grabbed the boy and rearranged his molecules until he was a girl the same age. Calling her 'Carmelina', Jeb nudged her inside and he dragged in Mrs. Smith's body.

"What is your mission, Jeb?"
"I'm going to find a symbolistic white wall upon which to scrawl my life's findings. You are going to join me. First, we're going to watch TV"

On the tube, they started to watch CSI: Miami but quickly switched it to Flashdance II. Jeb began to rant about how sequels suck and they should never even think about making them. He believed that all studios were after was money.

"I hate sequels! They suck! Studios should never even think about making them but all they are after is money. Typical."

Tired of watching TV, Jeb began to search the house. He came across a locked closet with the words 'Radio Bomb' on it. He crashed through the door and found a time bomb.

"Hello time bomb!"
"Hallo."

Jeb picked it up and threw it in the air. It landed with a flash of Hispanic reporter Rico Takanawa.

"Oh God!"

Time flashed forward...Jeb found himself being whisked back into the past to pick up Jenny, take out the boy and his machine gun, and then get whisked to the future, landing in Suburbia.

"Jenni! I've missed you! Look. This is where we'll find it. Suburbia."
"Which house? Look! That one is the strangest one of all. It looks like it's owned by a generation X-wing."
"That's weird!"
"Well, it is Suburbia. It's definitely wa..."
"NO Jenni, it is NOT Wall of Weird material. Let's MOVE!"

Jenni and Jeb ran across subsequent lawns of the houses in Suburbia towards the strangest one. They both felt a surge of desire and for a second, were fearless of anything that would befall them. Jenni grabbed Jeb's arm.

"Jeb...one last time, let's get it on. This time, we're going all the way."
"Load me up, baby!"

On Graham Greene's front lawn, Jeb and Jenni sang sort of a protest song. They protested all the evil that had come into the world. The workers, coming home from a long day at work, sang a song of mass production. This was life beyond the minimum safe distance. The time had come.

Running towards the strange house, Jeb and Jenni held each other's money for safe keeping. Jenni stopped. She grabbed her raygun and fired at the house. Jeb kept running. He only had 3 minutes before the middle class gangsters would come out and beat him. Invasion 1 had begun.

"Jenni! My out of style is coming back! Keep shooting until I yell for you to stop"
"Make sure you come home to me, Jeb!"

Jeb ran faster than he had run for weeks. His calves began to get sore. Tears streaming down his face, Jeb pushed himself until he reached the front steps. The door opened...Jeb ran up the stairs. At the door stood Jeb's obstacle. The truffle pig at the door looked astonished. What did he have that Jeb wanted so much? Jenni kept on firing, now running towards the house.

"Jeb! They're coming! The middle class gangsters are everywhere!"
"It's okay Jenni! The war is over!"

Jeb took from his pocket a shiny little tool. Using this tool, he stabbed the truffle pig and ran into the house. He ran up to the 3rd floor and searched every drawer until he found it. There it was. Sitting right on the night table all along, Jeb picked up the Tripoli. Holding it above his head, he screamed.

"This is it! My prime time deliverance!"

Jeb ran out of the room, down 2 flights of stairs and on to the front porch. Jenni was being surrounded. The middle class gangsters were vicious and were closing in on her.

"Jenni! Use this and your own magical tool!"

He threw his shirt to her and using it, Jenni whipped four of the gangsters to death while singing Celine Dion. The middle class gangsters covered their ears and fell to the ground dead. Jenni ran towards the house.

"NO! Jenni! Turn around and run. Just keep running! I'll catch up!"

Jenni turned around and ran into a mailbox. She was unconscious as usual.

"Damn you Jenni! You watch too much Smallville!"

Jeb gripped the Tripoli with his grunting hand and screamed. The Tripoli opened up and a bright ray of light filled the hopeless void that was the world. Apparitions were visible everywhere as the souls of millions of dead dinosaurs escaped from the little Tripoli. They mastered the fine art of falling apart but instead of falling apart, the dinosaurs regained natural form.

"Jenni! Wake UP!"

Jeb threw the Tripoli in the air and jumped off the porch, running towards his gal. She was lying in a pool of strawberry jam. He licked the ground, then picked her up just before the huge foot of a Diplodicus came down. Jenni squirmed.

"Jenni, you can run. Let's go."
"Alright Jeb....lets outrun this motherfucker."

They ran...faster than you can muster the words 'Ray Parker Suite [part 2]', the dinosaurs had taken over Suburbia. Jenni turned away from Jeb and kept running.

"Jenni! Where are you going?"
"I'm running for home."
"There is no home anymore. Our time is over."
"Now I'm sad!"
"Look happy, It's the end of the world."
"What's to look happy for?"
"Purgatory, Jenni...Purgatory."

Together, with Jeb holding Jenni's knee and Jenni holding Jeb's pancreas, they ran into the twilight. The dinosaurs would eventually take over and then the world would blow up. Isn't that how things always end when you don't tend to them? The fact remains that Jeb, while his character was certainly flawed in some ways...was definitely a man of action...Jenni was just a bitch with a good aim.

2002-12-07T13:26:00.000-05:00

[UNTITLED]

"That's it, Dearie, there on the left. That's your house."

The real estate bitch was very kind. Claire was nervous. It was her first new house since her parents died. Being seventeen had its perks, sure, but without her parents, Claire knew that she could no longer splash, turn, twist her way out of situations. She had to be an adult now. The house, in the middle of the street was crooked. Claire adjusted her glasses for clarity but she needed a new prescription.

"Now, the door is broken and you need this special opener to get in. Dearie? Are you okay?"
"If you don't, don't."
"I don't. I, I mean I don't follow, Dearie"

Claire just looked at the house, afraid to enter. She sensed something was going on in there. In the parallel universe that is that house. Later Claire would find out that it was Usery that was giving her that uneasy feeling.

Using the opener, Claire cautiously entered the home. However, when she entered, she was in great awe. She was standing inside a futuristic portal that no longer bled american. To her left, a praise chorus was singing a hymn of sorrow. Above her, 77 Satellites were hovering. To her right, a roller queen was thinking, that's all. She had entered a new life. The real estate agent didn't know what to say.

"I don't know what to say."

Coming from behind Claire was a fierce crunching sound. Turning around, she saw a beast devouring the real estate agent.

"Ten more minutes, honey, then it's your turn!"
"AHHHHHHH"

Claire ran. She didn't know where she was headed. She had no sensitivity to beasts who ate her real estate agents. It was the fourth time that month this had happened. She was fed up.

"Now hear you me! All you demonic demons! This is MY house. That was MY real estate agent and YOU ate her!"
"Hey little girl. You need to speak softer. We can't hear you"
"Who are you? Can you speed read?"
"I don't know about that. But I am Cautioner. From a group called the Cautioners. My job is to show you around your new home."

Claire finally found someone she could trust. This entity was very odd. It had carbon scoring all over its body and looked somewhat like a caveman.

First stop on the tour was to a huge room which the Cautioner called The Robot Factory. Claire saw many little workers building the newest robot: the H Model. In the same room was the top secret machine that would eventually create the lucky denver mint.

"Cautioner?"
"Call me Chachi."
"Okay. Chachi? What is that big room over there?"
"That is sky harbor. Let's go."

Leaving the Robot Factory was surreal. It was a mad world in there but nothing like Sky Harbor. The praise chorus was there too! Singing the Authority Song, they were the most beautiful things. Patches of thornberry were all over the place. It was a beautiful place. It was a sunday, and Claire had a blister on her foot from all the walking. Sky Harbor was an immense place. Turning to leave, Claire told Chachi that she loved her new house.

"You haven't seen anything."
"Goodbye Sky Harbor!"

Entering a roller rink, Claire saw the biggest party in the world. It was a roller derby type place. A combattive female came up to Claire and introduced herself.

"Hi Claire! I'm the Roller Queen. If you ever need to have some fun, well come here."
"But Roller Queen, I want to be a rockstar. Can I do that here?"
"Of course, look at our stage!"

On the stage was the Praise Chorus singing with Anderson Mesa. While the trip to see the roller rink was enthralling, Claire missed Sky Harbor. Chachi assured her they'd be back. It was fate.

"Don't worry...we'll go back. It's fate."

It was her house anyway. So she could go wherever she wanted. But for some reason, Claire simply couldn't find it within herself to ever want to leave Chachi's side. She felt so close to him. Quickly realizing she had a crush on him, she repressed her feelings and changed her religion. This new religion did not help her stop feeling the feelings.

Continuing on the journey, Chachi and Claire came to flowing fountain made out of salt, sweat, sugar and digits.

"Jump in! I'll be right after you."

Claire jumped in and found herself in the middle. Nothing was moving. Frozen in time. Chachi came through the fountain.

"Chachi, what is this place?"
"Here, the world is static. Nothing moves unless you move it. Here, we are the prime movers. I have a gift for you."
"Oh what is it?"
"A table for glasses. Go ahead. Take them off."

Taking off her glasses, Claire was dumbfounded. She could see all clarity without them. She was overjoyed. SO overjoyed infact that she walked over to the east bank and sang with the Praise Chorus.

"Oh Chachi! I've never been so happy! What is it about Cautioners that charm me so?"
"Stop it! You're flattering me!"
"Chachi...there's something I have to tell you. But not here. Take me back to Sky Harbor."

On the way, something terrible happened. As they were walking, Claire was jabbed in the side by a needle. The Beast that ate her real estate agent had found her.

"Cackle! There's a virus in there. In one day, you will die."
"OH Chachi!"

Claire burst into tears in Chachi's arms. He picked her up and she fell asleep in his arms. When she awoke, she was at Sky Harbor. The sun was just setting and the sky was a crimson/pink/purple/yellow/orange/mauve colour.

"Chachi?"
"Oh Claire, I have something to tell you..."
"Yes?"
"I created this sundown for you. Here we have sat since eight or nine. I've given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have. I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor. Do you care if I don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight and think of me? Will I shake this off and realize there's someone out there who feels just like me?"
"There is."
"Oh Claire. Look, there's a bug. Get it."

Claire reached for the bug.

"Get it faster!"
"Here. It's for you. This is so perfect. My sundown. For me this is heaven."
"What would I say to you now? I made you a christmas card..."
"Is it christmas already? Dear."

The card front was a picture of cars. Inside, there were 400 reasons why Chachi loved Claire.

"I love reason 346 the best. 'Because on this day, 12.23.95, I realized that you are better than Oh.'"
"This is the best Wednesday ever! Because of you, Claire."

Claire, not caring that she would die in a few hours, stood up. She wanted this moment to last forever.

"If we go through the fountain, time can stand still. The world is static there. I wouldn't have to die. Can we bring Sky Harbor with us? Freeze this moment in time?"
"Believe in what you want, Claire. But if you believe that, we can do it. I knew you'd think of that. There is only one option. This magical coin - at the flip of a coin - if you call it correctly, we will live together in Sky Harbor through the fountain forever. If you don't, you will die."

And so, Chachi flipped the coin. The two held their ears in anticipation.

"Call it in the air, Claire!!"
"HEADS!"

Ding. ding. ding. ding. roolllll. splash.

"Shit, it fell into the water. I'll go get it. Wait here, Claire."

Chachi swam down to the bottom. While he was under water, Claire started to feel sick. The virus was coming for her life. She fell to the ground.

"Claire! It's HEADS!...Claire!?"
"Hurry...put me in the fountain first, then move all of Sky Harbor after."

Chachi picked Claire up and ran. He ran so fast. Behind him, time rushed toward him. Death was coming.

"Chachi! Splat we're out of luck!"
"Run! Run! Run Lola Run!"

Getting to the fountain, Chachi threw Claire down. She sputtered and fell through.

Death stopped.

"Bastard! That was going to be my one millionth dead person! I was gonna get a paid trip to Aruba! Blast!"

Chachi went back to Sky Harbor and proceeded to toss the place in the fountain. Pail by pail, he filled the fountain. Finally finishing, he went to his last Cautioner meeting to say goodbye to his fellow Cautioners. They cried bitter tears of sorrow. His mother wanted to put him under house arrest so he couldn't leave. But she was a scientific woman. She had no reason or understanding of things at all. As a parting gift, his leader and father gave him a movie to watch while frozen in time.

"Star Wars: Epidode IV...really? You love this movie!"
"It's for you, son. Take care of Claire. We'll visit periodically."
"No, dad. Don't. We want to stay together. Forever. Just us."
"We understand."
"Sweet..."
"...ness Chachi. Sweetness."

With that, Chachi left his group and fell into the fountain. Claire was lying by the shore, waiting for Chachi. Fireworks exploded and in the distance, campfire songs could be heard across the lake.

"This is so nice. I want to spangle."
"Ooh Chachi. Don't be naughty!"
"Ramina."
"Ramina...."

They lay there for eternity....the virus ever-present in Claire's body, never able to manifest.

"This moment is so amphibious. I'm so proud of you, Claire."
"Shut up Chachi. Just watch the fireworks."

And so, they just watched the fireworks.

2002-12-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

The Realization"

The monkey man wanted to ask the maker only one question, 'Where can I find the best of what's around?' The toy soldiers led him through the temple on wild horses. Upon entering the temple the monkey man could recall seeing millions of these toy soldiers marching in single file, they seemed to be no more then ants marching. Each have their own job to do everyday in this one sweet world.

The horses stopped abruptly, nearly throwing the monkey man out of his saddle. Before them stood a huge set of double doors that seemed to rise forever. Two toy soldiers gaurded the entrance, Carter and Boyd, they informed the monkey man that this was the last stop. 'Alas,' thought the monkey man, 'the maker will surely tell me the answer to my question', The monky man quickly jumped off the horse and was in such a hurry to pose his question he not only forgot to thank Carter and Boyd but to also say goodbye.

Upon entering the room the monkey man stopped. It was silent. He could hear the sound of a gentle stream running somewhere but one was nowhere to be seen. In the corner under a glowing spotlight sat a pig, under a giant tangerine tree. The monkey man approached the pig, the pig raised it's long black veil and then asked 'What is this question for me you have?' their conversation went something along these lines:

"Surely you must jest, the maker is a pig?"
"What were you expecting an angel? perhaps a raven? or maybe a big eyed fish?"
"I didn't really know what to expect, I am sorry, what you are is truely irrelavent, now lets not waste anymore time"
"Young monkey man, please come sit here with me under the dreaming tree"

As the monkey man settled in next to the pig he realized that he no longer had only one question for the maker, but oodles and oodles of questions.

"Maker,"
"Please, my name is John the Revelator, call me JTR"
"okay, JTR, I've come to ask you where I can find the best of what's around? but now I find I have so much to say"
JTR leaned against his tangerine growing dreaming tree and appeared to be in deep thought. After a moments paused he answered quite slowly but surely,
"To find the best of what's around go to the space between the stone and the warehouse. There you will find the blue water baboon farm. On the farm works a bartender, an angel from montgomery, I don't want to let you down so don't assume any great expectations as to what he has to say, for you will only let yourself down"
"I thank you very much JTR, however, there are many other things that I feel that need answering that only you, the maker, can answer"
"Please do tell"
"I once saw the bridge between earth and heaven and I heard angelic voices calling me, into a bright light at the end of the bridge, but i thought 'pff that's too far' so I came back, has anyone seen the bridge and done the same?"
"No"
"What does Is Chicago, Is not Chicago mean?"
"I'm not sure, but I know that that is one of the few ways to put it into a sentance"
"Okay, and, when the world ends, what will become of me?"
"What would you say?"
"I'm not sure, I wonder if there is more then to just lie in our graves?"
"You would be a fool to think that, for denying me will send you to hell"
"Yes I realize that, but what about about my friend Rapunzel? She was born into a family that doesn't worship you, is that her fault?"
BEEP!!
"For worshipping false makers, they will be sent to hell, it may seem like a little thing" JTR paused,
in the distance a muezzin could be heard summoning the soldiers from one of the minarets, he then continued,
"however unless they accept the redemption song when they die they will be begging their gravedigger to not them fall to hell"
BEEP!!
The monkey man didn't like the sounds of this, it was too much it wasn't Rapunzel's fault and he was quickly angered,
"That is not fair, you never know but if you were to seek up these people you would find that many live good, just lives, better then many"
The monkey man rose and took two step towards the door when JTR asked
"Where are you going?"
BEEP!!
"Till recently, in my life I was the proudest monkey, now I realize that I have to get in line, for I must help myself for I have been fooled by you"
"Fine, leave me praying, for you will pay for what you get you silly monkey, you will join Cortez the killer in hell where you will be perished to be digging a ditch for enterity and will suffer from cryptorchism you cryptorcid"
"And I shall cry freedom for my life"
BEEP!! BEEP!! BEEP!!

"huh? what time is it? shiiiiittttt 4am, I wish that Matthews next door would turn off his freakin alarm"
Stefan look for the beauty of Wynona, she must be in the washroom. It had been a wild night, his division of Heathcliff's Haiku Warriors had been given the night off, which was nice, he was sick of protecting the satallite with rhyme and reason. They went to the bar 'Dancing Nancies and Tripping Billies' in Wynona, where he got captain Jimi to do his Jimi thing with a spoon but as usual it worked and 41 beauties flocked their way. The beauty of Wynona was now standing beside the bed, he turn and looked at him and said "Leroi, lover, lay down"
A sly grin came acroos "it was a crazy night eh? however, I don't feel so well"
"I told you, Julio told me.."
"Julio? who is that? who was there? just you and Julio? where were you? are you cheating on me?"
"it was me and Julio down by the schoolyard, he told me 'don't drink the water it will make you sick', and no I swear on my granny that I'm not cheating on you, c'mon crawl back in here we'll try those new positions, kit kat jam and little baby jam till the deed is done, so back up on to me"
"I'll back you up if you take me to the river later, there we can see our true bisexual reflections"
"Deal"
Leroi then crawled back under Stefan's loving wings, where they did the kit kat jam and the little baby jam till the deed was done.

Matthews tossed and turned for a couple minutes before turning off his alarm,
man was that a wierd dream, monkeys, pigs? It must have been that doobie thing I smoked last night. Where did Abijah and her sweet body go? How many times have we dont it this week? 34? 36? 40? god, that's alo....heh god, that's something that I don't think I'll be following anymore. I wish I could sleep just to dream Abijah, oh she tastes so sweet up and down, but no, I have to have dreams with monkies, or dreams of our fathers.
"Hey Abijah, how about you come back to bed, stay awhile, we'll stir it up, you can held me down with your handcuffs and we'll have sex to song that jane likes, what's it called? The Watermelon Song. It will be so right."
"You know Matthews, I'd rather have you drive in drive out of me to the beat of the Christmas Song"
"Aw come on that's the typical situation, I did it last night with you, actually don't worry about it, I'll go start cooking some bacon for breakfast"
"Don't burn the pig!"
"Huh????? Pig? did you have a drea..."
"the bacon, it's from a pig"
"oh right, nevermind, you know even if I had it all Abijah, if i had a boat, everything, I wouldn't be any happier then I am now, I believe being happy is so much easier when you can live simply. I will live a good, just life and if that's not good enough at the end of time then I shall never regret it"
*CRASH*
"Shit!!!! Sorry Abijah, I dropped your pumpkin for halloween on the kiwi's for your mother's night, who would have thought that the pumpkin would crush everyone of the kiwis? Oh well they're growing all along the watchtower, so you can clean up all this busted stuff, I'll go pick some more with my mother father."
"Okay Matthews it's alright, but don't be too long!"
"Hmmm crap it's already 6, geez ain't it funny how time sleips away, okay well I'd better hurry so you don't go pantala naga pampa on my ass later on! Bye!"

So with that Matthews ran out into the once grey street, however, he now saw things in a new light and a new colour.

2002-12-07T03:03:00.001-05:00

Let me tell you a story of a boy named 'Bean'

Bean had to talk to ender....The whole world believed that Ender would save us all but little did they know that this was so impossible. Hands down, Bean would be able to be the one to rid the world of vermin. Remembering to breathe, this little six year old racer called out to the powers that be and requested a good fight. Again, going unnoticed, Bean vowed that he would battle these saints and sailors to the death - yes, even if it meant drowning.

He needed a contender. Bean was growing wary of living in people's letters. He had to be challenged, so calling anyone...yes anyone, to fight, Bean put on his battlesuit. The standard lines Bean was crossing were a risky territory, because most others from the battle school had already screamed infidelity. Bean would have to swallow this bitter pill in order to dance the brilliant dance. Feeling the onset of a sharp hint of new tears, Bean called on Ender. Ender promptly came chased by turpentine and dropped a puzzle on the ground. This ruined puzzle was placed for Bean to notice...it was a puzzle of the places that he had come to fear the most. Clearly, this wasn't a war to be won for just himself anymore. Bean also had to win it for Justin.

The best deceptions were by Justin and Bean raised the roof to him. Tonight he would take what he could get. Justin and Bean had a swiss army romance so the bond between them was evident. Holding his phazer, Bean flew into the battlezone on a plain morning in July. Taking off his shirts and gloves, Bean was ready to fight. This time, Bean would save us all.

2002-12-07T03:03:00.000-05:00

Prove Yourself

You! Yes, you creep. This is a story that you need to pay attention to. It will put everything in its right place about that paranoid android you call 'Treefingers'...or maybe it won't. How's that for ominous, Nolan??

It was high and dry on the Black Star when an excavation crew encountered a subterranean homesick alien. The captain of the crew, Lloyd Miller, was optimistic about the creature's return to its home underneath the earth. Opting to call the alien 'Kid A', Lloyd commissioned a team to head out and find the planet Telex. Only on that planet would they find the necessary antidote for the alien's sickness - a vegetable.

When the crew came back, it was a real let down. Apparently on the planet Telex, the Karma Police had caught them and tortured them. First, they would not stop whispering. Then, after climbing up the walls in an obvious attempt to attune to the crew's homoerotic fantasies, gave them the bends. The captain was furious. He was SO mad that he simply pulled his ripcord causing him to sing the national anthem of 30 countries in record time.

The next day, the subterranean homesick alien was almost dead. Reports say that he was in limbo at this time. This is believed because the morning bell simply wouldn't wake him up. When the Egyptians came to help, they played their highly ineffective Pyramid song to try and wake faithless, the wonderboy (whoops wrong part.)

When the kinetic alien was finally awoken, crew members began to ask him about his life underground. The poor alien, a former talk show host, proceeded to answer with a voice that sounded like molasses coming out of the fog crossed with the amazing sounds of orgy. Assuming that pop is dead, the alien told everyone that living undergroud is packt like sardines in a crushd tin box. Lloyd, insulting the alien, said that he enjoys his life in a glass house..even though it's not even his - he rents it from the coke babies, only paying dollars and cents because he goes out hunting bears with them.

Next it was the Trickster's turn to ask a question of the subterranean homesick alien. He asked the very personal question of what it was like being plagued with the transatlantic drawl in Palo Alto. The alien charmingly responded with a reminder that the disease was "inside my head and there was nothing I could do about it except tell the story of how I made my millions." The whole crew glared at the Trickster for making the alien tell such a personal story. Some of them even went to slash the tires of his stupid car. The remaining stripped him of his Banana Co. clothes and sang a punchdrunk lovesick singalong. After a lull in the questioning, the alien went to see his friend Lewis to complain that he was mistreated. Lewis merely replied, "But Kid A, you never wash up after yourself. How can you be sure?"

After that disastrous night, the alien had a melatonin deficeincy and needed to wear the bishop's robes to get better. A horrible worrywort, the cuttooth alien stepped out into the permanent daylight and bared his pearly white teeth. His iron lung turned and he felt the sunlight piercing his skin. The transformation was occuring! John Williams rushed in to score the motion picture soundtrack. Kid A, an obvious tourist, was lucky that there were no surprises when the transformation occured. However, there were a few bystanders who had their knives out, ready to attack. Kid A used his mind powers to take their knives and hurl them against a pull/pulk revolving door. Running into the streets to sulk, Lloyd exclaimed "I can't! I just can't." Kid A had transformed into a brilliant negotiator/motivational speaker.

Kid A went outside to console Lloyd: "All you need to do is prove yourself. You see, anyone can play guitar if they put their mind to it. And anyone can dig up bones! Even though your crew brought home fake plastic trees instead of a vegetable to prevent me from dying, they all managed to be fitter happier. You need to stop electioneering and be optimistic again as you once were. Listen, you Airbag. GO! Put everything back in it's right place."

It was a sad time in the world but the subterranean homesick alien helped put it back on the right track by giving Lloyd the courage to join the Idioteque...a travelling circus. Suddenly, upon hearing this news, Kid A felt woozy, like spinning plates. As Kid A fell to the ground, Lloyd came rushing over and grabbed his hand.
"Kid A, can you hear me? I have a million dollar question for you: What is that you say?"
"Bb-b-u-ul-let"
"Omigod! Kid A! Someone help! You've been shot! Help! Kid A! You can't die....I ... I love you!"
"Oh Lloyd. True love waits. Just remember that. Here, take this lozenge of love and remember me as 'Big Boots (aka Man-O-War)'."
"Why can't you be bulletproof??"
"Oh, bulletproof...I wish I was. My people. We suck young blood up on the ladder. We sit down, stand up. We are innocent civilians but Lloyd, this is where I end and you begin. There There. I will sail up to the moon but you, you will have big ideas (aka nude). I promise, wicked child, that one day, the wolf at the door will go to sleep. I have a disease called 'myxomatosis."
"nude?"
"Lloyd, listen to me. Lift yourself up. I will never leave you. Oh God. No surprises please."

The Reckoner, coming to take the alien's body when he dies, brings the last flowers till the hospital.

"Kid A...please....don't leave me to be a scatterbrain."
"No longer follow me around."

Unsure of what Kid A meant, Lloyd left the alien's dying side and went to see Faithless, the Wonderboy. The Wonderboy suggested that Lloyd simply let go. Kid A's street spirit had faded out. There was nothing left to do but blow out the candle and take over the reins.

"GOD! IF ONLY I COULD HAVE A NICE DREAM"
"I might be wrong, but I think YOU killed Kid A, Lloyd."
"LEWIS! I love that little alien!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I'll fight you. I'll take you down to Maquiladora!"
"You and whose army?"
"This one."

Behind Lloyd stood over 50 000 subterratian aliens. Lloyd had taken over the whole race as their king was dead. Only then did Lloyd realize...

"King? Dead? Kid A was their King? Oh get me some polythylene (parts 1 & 2), it's happened."

"Kid A, are you dead?"
"Yes I am"
"I have a gift for you. It's India rubber from the loins of my mother. She wanted you to have it because after meeting in the aisle that day, I couldn't help but have the need to drive killer cars. I'm sorry."
"Please start playing my exit music..."
"For what, Kid A"
"FOR A FILM!"

Leaving in procession, the Reckoner carried the dead alien on his back and Lloyd wept. On seeing his mother, he stopped..."How do you..."

Lloyed dropped dead. He was like a rabbit in your headlights. But he did it. Lloyd proved himself.

EPILOGUE
"This mess we're in, I've seen it all. Nobody does it better than el president but I wish you were all here. You are my wonderwall, my rhinestone cowboy. I'd sing a song for you, ladytron - a bittersweet phillipa chicken. But the chains bind me. Give it up Alice. What is that you say? Nothing touches me. I am in limbo. Yes. Rattlesnakes can touch me. No. I'm not dead. I'm in limbo. Call me when you figure out what you are doing on sunday...yes bloody sunday in the union city blue, room 2HB."
---in his last keynote address, Kid A, the leader of a fine people touched on some very important issues. The most prominent is the desperate plea for help from the wicked child. I promise that the innocent civilians will receive due pay.

Thinking about you.
The End.